Today's thoughts

2011-10-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

തൃശ്ശൂരിലെ നിലത്തിന്റെ പ്രശ്നം വഷലാക്കികൊണ്ടിരിക്കുകയാണ്. സുരേഷ് വീണ്ടും പോലീസില്‍ പരാതി കൊടുത്തു അവര്‍ എന്നെ വിളിപ്പിച്ചു. എല്ലാവരുടെയും അഭിപ്രായം, പോലീസിനെ ഒഴിവാക്കാന്‍ സാധിക്കുകയില്ല എന്നാണ്. അവരായിട്ടു സഹകരിച്ചു പോകുന്നപോലെ ഇരുന്നാല്‍ മതി എന്നാണു. അതുകൊണ്ട് ഒന്ന് വസന്തനെ അയക്കാം എന്നാണു വിചാരിച്ചധു. പക്ഷെ വസന്താണ് വേറെ ജോലി ഉണ്ടെന്നു പറയുന്നു. ഞാന്‍ തന്നെപോയാല്‍ എന്താണ് എന്ന് വിചാരിക്കുന്നു. അല്ലാതെ ഈ പ്രശ്നം ഒഴിവാക്കാന്‍ പറ്റുല്ല.

ഞാന്‍ ആരാണ്? – ശ്രീ രമണമഹര്‍ഷി

2011-05-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

ഞാന്‍ ആരാണ്? – ശ്രീ രമണമഹര്‍ഷി

New Ministry.

2011-05-27T01:08:00.000-07:00

പുതിയ ഗവേര്‍മെന്റ്റ് അധികാരം എട്ടു. പക്ഷെ മുസ്ലിം ലീഗ് അവരുടെ സ്വതം മന്ത്രിമാരെ തീരുമാനിച്ചു അവരുടെ വകുപ്പുകളും തീരുമാനിച്ചു പ്രസ്താവന ഇറക്കി. മുഖ്യന്‍ അറിഞ്ഞിട്ടില്ല. നഗര വികസനവും, പഞ്ചായത്തും എല്ലാം വിഭാഗിച്ചു അത് മൂന്ന് മന്ത്രിമാര്കായി വീതിച്ചു കൊടുത്തു. മുഖ്യന്‍ അറിഞ്ഞിട്ടില്ല. ഇത് കാണുമ്പോള്‍ ഇവര്‍ അഞ്ചു കൊല്ലം ഭരിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ മുഖ്യന്‍ വിട്ടിലിരിക്കുമോ അതോ ഓഫീസില്‍ വരുമോ എന്ന് തോന്നിപോകും. ഏറ്റവും കൂടുതല്‍ വിജയ ശതമാനം നേടിയ ലീഗ് മറ്റുള്ളവരെ കീഴിലാക്കി അവര്‍ ഭരിക്കാന്‍ മുതിരുന്നത് അത്ര ശരിയല്ല. ഊമ്മെന്‍ ചാണ്ടി എന്തുകൊണ്ട് ശതീസനെ മന്ത്രി ആക്കിയില്ല എന്നുള്ളത് വലിയ ചോദ്യ ചിഹ്നം തന്നെ. ഇതുവരെ ഒന്നും പറയാത്ത സതീസന്‍ ഇന്ന് ടീ. വീ. യില്‍ പ്രസ്താവന ഇറക്കുന്നുണ്ട് എന്നത് അതിശയകരം തന്നെ. പക്ഷെ വിരുദ്ധ പ്രസ്തവനകലുമായി ഈ മന്ത്രിമാര്‍ എത്ര കാലം മുന്നോട്ടു പോകാന്‍ കഴിയും എന്നുള്ളത് കണ്ടു തന്നെ അറിയണം. ആകെ കുഴപ്പം പിടിച്ച മാതിരി. ഈ സര്കാരിനു ആയുസുണ്ടോ എന്നത് വേഗം അറിയാം.

Formation of the govt.

2011-05-23T18:16:00.000-07:00

എലെക്ഷന്‍ കഴിഞ്ഞു. ഇനി മന്ത്രിസഭാ ഉണ്ടാക്കുന്ന തിരക്കാണ്. മന്ത്രി സ്ഥാനത്തേക്കുള്ള വടംവലി കൊല്ലം. മാണി സാറും മുസ്ലിം ലീഗ് കാരും ചേര്‍ന്ന് എല്ലാ പ്രധാനപട്ട വകുപ്പുകളും എടുത്തു. ഇതില്‍ പരം ഒരു കുറച്ചില്‍ ഇല്ല എന്ന് തന്നെ പറയാം. സതീസനെയും മുരളിയെയും ഉള്പെടുതാതെ മന്ത്രി സഭ ഉണ്ടാക്കി. ഈ ഉമ്മന്‍ ചാണ്ടി എല്ലാം കുളമാകുമെന്നാണ് തോന്നുന്നത്. ഈ മന്ത്രിസഭാ എത്ര നാള്‍ നീണ്ടുനില്കും എന്ന് പറയാന്‍ വയ്യ. വിദ്യാഭാസം ലീഗിന് വേണം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു അവര്‍ കൊണ്ടുപോയി. അതുപോലെ തന്നെ പാര്‍ലിമെന്റ് കാര്യവും ലീഗിന് തന്നെ. നാലിന് പകരം അഞ്ചു മന്ത്രിമാരുടെ പേര് പ്രക്യാപിച്ചു അവരുടെ വകുപ്പുകളും പ്രക്യാപിച്ചു. കൊണ്ഗ്രെസ്സ് പാര്‍ട്ടി ക്കോ, യു ഡി എഫ് നോ ഒന്നും പറയാനില്ല. ഇങ്ങിനെ പോയാല്‍ ഭാവിയില്‍ തീരുമാനങ്ങളും ഏകാപക്ഷീയമായിരികും എന്ന് തോന്നുന്നു. മുഖ്യ മന്ത്രി യോ യു ഡി എഫ് ഓ അറിയാതെ അവര്‍ തന്നെ തീരുമാനങ്ങള്‍ എടുത്താല്‍ പിന്നെ എവിടെ പോയി നില്‍ക്കും.

Osaama bin Laden

2011-05-04T15:38:00.000-07:00

ബിന്‍ ലാദനെ വധിച്ചു. അതിന്റെ ചിത്രങ്ങളും വാര്തഗലും എല്ലാ മാധ്യമങ്ങളും വളരെ പ്രധാനമായി പ്രചരിച്ചു. പക്ഷെ പല ചോദ്യങ്ങളും ബാക്കി വന്നു. പാകിസ്ഥാന്‍ പട്ടാളം അറിയാതെ അവരുടെ നാട്ടില്‍ ഇത് എങ്ങിനെ സാധിച്ചു? അന്ജോ ആറോ കൊല്ലമായി അയാള്‍ അവിടെ താമസിച്ചിരുന്നു എന്നാണു കേള്കുന്നത്. എന്നിട്ട് എങ്ങിനെ പാകിസ്ഥാന്‍ അത് അറിജില്ല എന്ന് പറയുന്നത് നാട്ടുകാര്‍ എങ്ങിനെ വിശ്വസിക്കും. അയാള്‍ക്ക്‌ പല ആരോഗ്യ പ്രശ്നങ്ങളും ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നു. വൃക്കകള്‍ കേടു വന്നിരുന്നത് കൊണ്ട് ഇപ്പോഴും വൈദ്യ സഹായം വേണ്ടി വന്നു. ഒരു മില്യണ്‍ ഡോളര്‍ വില വരുന്ന കൊട്ടാര സധൃസ്സമുള്ള കോട്ട പോലെ ഉള്ള വീട്ടില്‍ അയാളും കൂടെ വേറെ രണ്ടു കുടുംബങ്ങളും താമസിച്ചിരുന്നു. അയല്‍ക്കരയിട്ടു യാതൊരു കൂട്ടുകെട്ടും ഇല്ലാതെ വര്‍ഷങ്ങള്‍ തള്ളി നീക്കി. പാകിസ്താന്റെ ഏറ്റവും വലിയ പട്ടാള ട്രെയിനിംഗ് സെന്ടരുറെ കഷ്ടിച്ച് എന്നൂറു അടി മാത്രം ദൂരമുള്ള ഈ വീട്ടില്‍ ചവറു പോലും പുറത്തു കളയാറില്ല എന്ന് പറയുന്നു. കത്തിച്ചു കലയാരന് പതിവത്രേ. ഫോണോ ടീ വീ യോ ഇന്റെര്നെട്ടോ ഇല്ലാതെ ഒസാമ ഈ വീട്ടില്‍ കൊടുംബത്തോട് കൊല്ലങ്ങളായിട്ട് താമസിച്ചിരുന്നു എന്ന് കേള്‍ക്കുന്നു. രാത്രി ഒരു മണിക്ക് നാല് ഹെലികോപ്ടറില്‍ അവിടെ എത്തിയ അമേരികന്‍ പട്ടാള സംഘം നാല്പതു മിനുട്ട് കൊണ്ട് ഒസാമയെ കൊന്നു അയാളുടെ മൃത സരീരം കൂടെ കൊണ്ട് പോയി. ആ മ്രിതസരീരം ഒരു രാജ്യവും സ്വീകരിക്കാന്‍ സമ്മതിക്കാത്തത് കൊണ്ട് ഇസ്ലാം മത അച്ചരങ്ങളോട് കടലില്‍ സംസ്കരിച്ചു എന്നാണു പറയുന്നത്. ചത്തത് ഒസാമ തന്നെ ആണോ എന്നുള്ളതിന് ഒരു തെളിവും ഇല്ല. എല്ലാ മാധ്യമങ്ങളും ഇതിനെ പറ്റി വിസ്തരിച്ചു പ്രതിപാദിച്ചിട്ടുണ്ട്. വളരെ ഭീകരമായ മരണമായത് കൊണ്ട് ശവ ശരീരത്തിന്റെ ഫോട്ടോ പോലും പ്രദര്‍ശിപ്പിക്കാന്‍ പറ്റുല്ല എന്നാണു കേള്കുന്നത്. ദിവസവും പുതിയ പുതിയ വിവരങ്ങള്‍ പുറത്തു വരുന്നുണ്ട് . അതുകൊണ്ട് ഇനിയും കുറെ ചിദ്യങ്ങള്‍ക്ക് ഉത്തരം കിട്ടേണ്ടത് കൊണ്ട്, ലോകം വളരെ ആകാംക്ഷ യോടെ കാത്തിരിക്കുകയാണ്.

swayam sevaka sangam koottayma

2011-04-03T09:43:00.000-07:00

ഇന്ന് നിര്മാലന്റെ അമ്മ രാവിലെ മരിച്ചു. ഉറക്കതിലാനെന്നു തോന്നുന്നു. ഞാനും വസന്തനും പോയിരുന്നു. നിര്മാലന്റെ ജേഷ്ടന്‍ വരാനുള്ളത് കൊണ്ട് വൈകുന്നേരം സംസ്കാരം നടത്താം എന്ന് തീരുമാനിച്ചു. വൈകുന്നേരം സംഗ കാര്യാലയത്തില്‍ മീടിങ്ങിനു പോയി. അപ്പു ചേട്ടനും കൂടെ ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നു. ശ്രി ഗോപാലകൃഷ്ണന്‍ മുകവുര പറഞ്ഞു. ഒരു ഹിന്ദു കൂട്ടായ്മ ഉണ്ടാക്കാന്‍ ആണ് ആലോചന എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. നല്ല ഒരു ഉധേശമാണ്. നടപ്പില്‍ വരുത്തണം.

World Cup

2011-04-03T09:36:00.000-07:00

ലോക കപ്പ് ഫൈനല്‍ മത്സരം തകര്‍പ്പനായിരുന്നു. ആദ്യം ബാറ്റ് ചെയ്ത സ്രിലങ്ക ഇരുന്നൂറ്റി എഴുപത്തിനാല് റണ്‍ എടുത്തിരുന്നു. ഇന്ത്യക്ക് ഇരുന്നൂറ്റി എഴുപതഞ്ഞു റണ്‍ വെന്യിരുന്നു ജയിക്കാന്‍. ആദ്യം സേവാഗും സച്ചിനും പുറത്തായതോടെ ഇന്ത്യക്ക് ജയിക്കുമോ എന്നാ സംശയം ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നു. പക്ഷെ യുവരാജും ധോണിയും കൂടി വളരെ നല്ല കളി കളിച്ചു ഇന്ത്യ ജയിച്ചു. ജയിച്ച ടീം അംഗങ്ങള്‍ക്ക് സമ്മാനങ്ങളുടെ പെരുമഴ. നാട് എങ്ങും ആഘോഷം. മാധ്യമങ്ങള്‍ എല്ലാം കളിയുടെ വിവരങ്ങള്‍ കൊണ്ട് നിറഞ്ഞിരിക്കുന്നു. കളിയുടെ പ്രധാന ഭാഗങ്ങള്‍ പല പ്രാവശ്യം ടി വി യില്‍ കാണിച്ചു. എങ്ങും ആഘോഷം തന്നെ.

appu joining school

2011-04-03T09:26:00.000-07:00

അനിലും അപ്പുവും വന്നിരുന്നു. ക്രിസ്തു ജയന്തി സ്കൂള്‍ എഴുത്ത് പരീക്ഷയും വാക്ക് പരീക്ഷയും ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നു. ആദ്യതെടിവസം ഞങ്ങള്‍ സ്കൂലുഗള്‍ സന്ദര്‍ശിച്ചു പിന്നെ ഒരു കാര്‍ വാങ്ങാന്‍ മൂന്ന് കാര്‍ കടഗളിലേക്ക് പോയി. അനിലിന്റെ ഇഷ്ടതിനുള്ള വണ്ടി കണ്ടില്ല. പിറ്റെധിവസവും സ്കൂള്‍ ദര്‍ശനവും കാര്‍ അന്വേഷണവും ആയി പോയി. ഇവിടെ വന്നു ഭക്ഷണം കഴിച്ചു. എഴുത്ത് പരീക്ഷ നന്നായി ചെയ്തെന്നു പറഞ്ഞു. പേനയും പെന്‍സിലും വേണം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞിട്ട് വസന്തന്റെ കയില്‍ കൊടുത്തയച്ചു. വാക്ക് പരീക്ഷ അത്ര നന്നായിരുന്നു എന്ന് തോന്നുന്നില്ല. സ്കൂള്‍ അഡ്മിഷന്‍ കിട്ടിയാല്‍ ഫോണ്‍ വിളിച്ചു പറയാം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞിരുന്നു. ഇതേവരെ വിളിച്ചില്ല. അതുകൊണ്ട് കിട്ടിയില്ല എന്ന് വിചാരിക്കാം.

എനിക്ക് ജലദോഷവും ചുമയും പെട്ടെന്ന് ഉണ്ടായി. വളരെ പ്രയാസപ്പെട്ടു. അതുകൊണ്ട് അവസാനദിവസം അവരെ കാണാന്‍ പോയില്ല.

2011-03-31T22:40:00.000-07:00

ലോക കപ്പില്‍ ആദ്യത്തെ ജയം കിട്ടിയ ഇന്ത്യക്ക് ഫൈനല്‍ അത്ര എളുപ്പമായിക്കുട ഇല്ല

Appu joining school here.

2011-03-31T22:38:00.000-07:00

അപ്പു സ്കുളില്‍ ചേരാന്‍ വന്നിട്ടുണ്ട്. ഇന്നലെയും മിനിങ്ങാനും പല സ്കൂളില്‍ പോയി കണ്ടു. ക്രിസ്റ്റ് ജയന്തി സ്കൂളില്‍ ഇന്ന് ടെസ്റ്റ്‌. വസന്തനും കൂടെ പോയിട്ടുണ്ട്.

ഇന്ന് വൈകീട്ട് ഇവിടെ ഭക്ഷണം കഴിക്കാന്‍ വിളിച്ചിട്ടുണ്ട്. നാളെ അവര്‍ക്ക് പോകണം.

കുട്ടന്‍ കാറിനു കൂടുതല്‍ കാശു വാങ്ങി എന്ന് ആക്ഷേപം.

അവനെ ഒഴിവാക്കി കലൂര്‍ ട്രാവല്‍ കാറ് കൊണ്ട് പോകാം.

Pattupurakkal -- Chamundi Maha Yagam.

2011-03-26T14:17:00.000-07:00

paattupurakkal paripaadikal ellaam kazhinju .radhakrishnan told me that the accounts are all over and will be published tomorrow. It is likely that they may have some surplus and they would conveniently complete the hall.

for Meena bharani they are planning very elaborate programme and he asked me to be there positively.

Sri Navachandika Mahayagam at Paattupurakkal Bhagawathy Temple.

2011-03-10T10:04:00.000-08:00

Navachandika Mahayagam commensed on 9th March at Pattupurakkal Temple. Justice Ravindran performed the inauguration. Lot people were there to participate. Kummanam delivered the main speech. Madanan also gave a good speech. At noon we went to Pavkkulam for taking our lunch. We did not get food. It was not available in VHP too. Finally Murali, the watchman went and brought fresh food from the hostel..
Today it was a discourse by Adv Ramanathan. He gave a good speech. In the afternoon I went to the Bharatiya Vidya Bhavan. to attend the discourse of Udit chaitanya. on Geetha in day to day life. He gave a good speech.

paper news

2011-02-08T17:37:00.000-08:00

പത്രക്കാര്‍ക്ക് നല്ല കോള. കോടികളുടെ തിരിമറി എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു നടന്നു, ഇപ്പോള്‍ വീണ്ടും തിരിമറി. ആധ്യത്ഹേതു രണ്ടു ജി ആയിരുന്നു ഇപ്പോള്‍ എസ ബാന്‍ഡ്. രണ്ടു ലക്ഷം കോടി. സ എ ജി അത് പുറത്തു വിടാനും, പത്രക്കാര്‍ അത് അച്ച്ഹടിക്കാനും. വായനക്കാര്‍ വായിച്ചു ഞെട്ടണം ഇത്രയേ ഉള്ളു കാലത്ത് പാത്രം തുറന്നാല്‍ എന്തെകിലും ഞെട്ടുന്ന കാര്യങ്ങള്‍ ഉണ്ടായിരിക്കണം എന്ന് മാത്രം.
സൗമ്യയുടെ മരണം, സശിന്ദ്രന്‍ കേസ് സി ബി ഐ അന്വേഷിക്കണം, ശശി പുറത്തുപോകണം, വി എസ രാജിവക്കണം, എന്ന് വേണ്ട എന്തെല്ലാം കാര്യങ്ങള്‍. ഒരു കാര്യവുമില്ല. എങ്ങിനെയെങ്ങിലും പുറത്തിറങ്ങിയാല്‍ മതി എന്ന് ഒരു കൂട്ടര്‍. എങ്ങിനെയെങ്കിലും ഭരണം കിട്ടിയാല്‍ മതി എന്ന് മറ്റൊരു കൂട്ടരും. ഇവരുടെ തമ്മില്‍ തല്ലു കണ്ടാല്‍ ഇടതന്മാര്‍ തന്നെ വീണ്ടും വരുമെന്നാണ് തോന്നുന്നേ.

Tathvamasi

2011-02-06T17:46:00.000-08:00

സ്വാമി ഭോധനന്ദ നടത്തുന്ന തത്വമസി ഞാന യഗ്ജ്നം ഇന്നലെ തുടങ്ങി. ജസ്റിസ് ഭാസ്കരന്‍ ഉത്ഗടണം ചെയ്തു അജിത്‌ അധ്യക്ഷത വഹിച്ചു. ച്ഹാന്ദ്യോഗത്തിലെ മഹാ വാക്യമായ തത്വമസി ഇനി അഞ്ചു ദിവസം ഉണ്ടാകും. സ്വാമിയുടെ ഭാഷ വൈഭവം കൊണ്ട് പ്രേക്ഷകരെ ഇരുത്താം എന്നല്ലാതെ കഴമ്പു കുറവാണോ എന്ന് ഒരു സംശയം. ഉധലകന്റെ യും സ്വെതകീതുവിന്റെയും കഥ പറഞ്ഞത് സരിയായില്യെ എന്ന് ഒരു സംശയം. ഒന്ന് പുസ്തകം നോക്കണം. കഥക്ക് വലിയ പ്രാധാന്യമില്ല. ഇന്നാണ് വിഷയത്തിലേക്ക് വരുക. നോക്കട്ടെ.

Shornur accident

2011-02-06T17:24:00.000-08:00

അത് വായിച്ചു ഞാന്‍ ഞെട്ടിപ്പോയി. പാവം പെണ്‍കുട്ടി, സൌമ്യ, പെണ്ണുകാണാന്‍ അല്ലെഗില്‍ കാണിക്കാന്‍ വീടിലേക്ക്‌ പോകുന്ന വഴിയില്‍ ഉണ്ടായ സംഭവം അവളുടെ മരണത്തിനു ഇരയാക്കി. ഗോവിന്ദചാമി എന്ന ഒറ്റകയ്യന്‍ അവളെ തള്ളിയിട്ടു മാനഭാങ്ങപെടുത്തി തലയ്ക്കു കല്ലുകൊണ്ട് ഇടിച്ചു ഭോധം കെടുത്തി അവളുടെ പര്സും മൊബൈല്‍ ഫോണും മോഷ്ടിച്ച് കടന്നു കളഞ്ഞു. ഒറ്റക് യാത്ര ചെയ്തിരുന്ന സൌമ്യ മറ്റുള്ളവര്‍ക്ക് ഒരു പാഠമായിരിക്കട്ടെ. ഒറ്റക് യാത്ര ചെയ്യുന്ന പെണ്‍കുട്ടിക്ക് സംരക്ഷണം നല്‍കേണ്ടവര്‍ അത് ചെയ്യാത്തത് കൊണ്ടാണല്ലോ ഇങ്ങിനെ സംഭവിച്ചത്. വളരെ ക്രൂരമായി പോയി. നാട്ടുകാര്‍ സംഗടിച്ചത് കൊണ്ടോ ഓഫീസിലെ ഗ്ലാസ്‌ തല്ലിതകര്തത് കൊണ്ടോ പ്രശ്നം തീരുന്നില്ല. ഭാവിയില്‍ ഇങ്ങിനെ ഉണ്ടാകാതിരിക്കാന്‍ എന്ത് ചെയ്യണം എന്ന് എല്ലാവരും ആലോചിക്കണം. ഒറ്റയ്ക്ക് യാത്ര ചെയ്യുന്ന പെണ്ണുങ്ങള്‍ പല സ്ഥലത്തും ഉണ്ട്. രാത്രി മടങ്ങുമ്പോള്‍ കൂടെ ഉള്ളവര്‍ ഇറങ്ങിപോയി ഒറ്റക്കാവുന്നവരുമുണ്ട്. ഈ അപകടം ആര്‍കും ഉണ്ടാകാവുന്നതാണ്. എങ്ങിനെ ഒഴിവാക്കാമെന്ന് വേണ്ടവര്‍ ആലോചിക്കണം. തക്ക നടപടി എടുക്കണം.

Condition of BTS Road in Edapally.

2011-01-16T17:31:00.000-08:00

ഇടപല്ലി ബ്ട്സ് റോഡ്‌ കുത്തിപോളിച്ചു സഞ്ചരയോഗ്യ മല്ലതക്കിതിന്റെ ഉത്തരവാദിത്വം എലെക്തൃസിടി ബോരെദ് കോണ്ട്രാക്ടര്‍ രുടെ ആണെന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു, നാട്ടുകാര്‍ ഹൈ കോടതിയില്‍ കേസ് കൊടുത്തപ്പോള്‍ ഉടനെ നന്നാക്കി കൊടോക്കാന്‍ ഉത്തരവ് വന്നത് വലിയ ആശ്വാസമായി. റോഡും നന്നാക്കി. പക്ഷെ കൌസേലെര്മാര്‍ ഇത് കണ്ടില്ല എന്ന് നടിച്ചു അവരെല്ലാം കാശു വാങ്ങിച്ചു എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു കേള്‍കുന്നു. അത് ശരിയാണോ അല്ല തെറ്റാണോ എന്ന് അന്വേഷിക്കാന്‍ സാധിക്കുല്ല. ഹൈ കോടതി ജനങ്ങളുടെ കഷ്ടപ്പാട് മനസ്സിലാക്കി റോഡ്‌ ഒരു അഴച്ചക്കകം നന്നാക്കണം എന്ന് ഉത്തരവ് പുറപ്പെടുവിച്ചു. അത് തന്നെ വലിയ കാര്യമല്ലേ. ജനങ്ങളുടെ ബുധികുട്ടുകള്‍ മനസ്സിലാക്കാന്‍ ബന്ധപ്പെട്ടവര്‍ക്ക് സാദിക്കുന്നില്ല എന്ന് വന്നാല്‍ ഒരു പോംവഴി ഉണ്ടല്ലോ. റോഡ്‌ നന്നാക്കുന്നതില്‍ ആര്‍ക്കും ഒരു ആത്മാര്തതയുമില്ല. എന്തെകിലും ഒന്ന് കാട്ടികൂട്ടണം എന്നെ ഉള്ളു. ഒരു അഞ്ചു മാസത്തിനകം ഒരു തിരഞ്ഞെടുപ്പ് നേരിടെണ്ടാതാണ്. ആ ചൂട് പോലും സര്കാരിനില്ല. എല്ലാം മുറപോലെ എന്ന സമീപനം തെറ്റാണ്.

mayor of Kochi

2010-11-12T21:10:00.000-08:00

Kochi Corporation mayor is said to be available for any complaints regarding the improvement of the functioning of the corporation or regarding any bribery in the corporation office. But his telephone number is not being picked up so far. I rang 2322401 for a long time. but no reply.

Babri Musjit case

2010-09-30T10:14:00.000-07:00

Kesavadas told me to my great surprise that one Mr.K.K.Nair of Kottayam who was the collector of Faisalabad (Ayodhya) installed the idols of Ram etc. in the Babri Musjid on 23/12/1949. Because of those idols the central dome area is recognized by the court as the Ram Janmabhumi. On retirement, Mr.K.K.Nair was a member of Parliament from Ayodhya and after his demise his wife became the MP. VHP created a trust in his name. This information was new to me.

Babri Musjit case

2010-09-30T10:09:00.000-07:00

The much talked about decision on the Ayodhya case was published today. The three judges bench gave a verdict that one third of the disputed land to be given to the muslims, one third to hindus and one third to a hindu organization. This was very much in favor of hindus. But muslims have threatened that they will go on appeal to the SC. The court held that nobody could prove that the mosque was built by Baber. The construction of the mosque was against the tenets of Islam and hence it cannot be given the status of a mosque. The court held that the area covered by the central dome where the idols are installed is the birth place of Lord Ram and hence it is the Ram janmabhumi. It gave three months time for the govt to decide about the division of the land among various parties and till then status quo is to be maintained. The entire judgment is available in the website of the high court. It seems there was some celebrations in Pavakkulam temple. I spent the evening in the house of Kesavadas.

Dr.T.Bhaskaran

2010-08-16T05:07:00.000-07:00

By passing away of Dr.T.Bhaskaran on last Thursday the 12th of August, 2010, I have lost a good friend and a teacher. His vast knowledge in Sanskrit and Malayalam language was a great treasure and inspiration for me in our daily walks for the past sixteen years.
He used to be at my gate at about 7.15 am or 7.30 am and we used to walk for one hour. In the process we used to discuss various topics of interest in the articles and books he was writing. Though my knowledge in these languages is almost nothing, he was not acknowledging that fact and was discussing as if I am also very learned as he was. Contents of some his books he used to narrate in detail as if teaching a student. Whatever doubts I had he used to clarify.
He wanted to make use of my knowledge of Tamil and wanted to discuss a book "Ozhuvilodukkam" in which a few stanzas have been translated by Narayana Guru. This book of Tamil poetry was a very high standard and nobody can understand this in one reading. He had an old copy in Tamil and wanted me to read and explain the meaning which he used to compare with the translation by Narayana Guru. This process involved our both carrying books in our hands and reading them when we were walking. We had done about 50 poems out of 350. In the meantime Smt.Molly, wife of Bhaskaran Mash objected to our reading and walking at a time and Thankam also objected for fear of falling down in the road. Ultimately we had to abandon this idea of reading while walking. He wanted me to find some time during the day to sit with him and help him to translate "Ozhuvilodukkam". I did not venture this task since I will be exposing my own ignorance of the language. He too was busy with so much of writing works.
He used to explain to me various lines from Kalidasa's Sakuntalam and Kumarasambhavam which have reference in "Vakrokthi". He first explained what is vakrokthi and how it is applied in sanskrit literature for reviewing the works of Kalidasa and Bhasa. He used to bring jottings in a small paper and read them while walking and explain in detail. Though he had some knowledge of vakrokthi which he explained in one of his books on malayalam poetry, which he later found to be inadequate. He bought a book on Vakrokthi by one Krishnamoorthy of Mysore University in English and read it thoroughly. He ventured to write a book on this subject and wrote about 700 pages and after very strenuous search found that Kerala Sahithya Academy at Trichur are willing to publish this book. He sent them a few pages by photocopy and they informed him that their committee approved the publication. But so far it has not come out.
He used o consult me when he wrote the book, Bhahmasri Narayana Guru and the book on humanism authorised by the Sivagiri. He took great pains to gather articles and compile them.
On 11th August in the morning, Niranj asked Vasanthan to go and help him to lift Bhaskaran Mash into the car since he was unwell and was giving strange sounds through his mouth. I also went there. They took him to Lisie hospital and his doctor asked that he may be scanned and brought to the Lake shore hospital. While scanning they said that there was a hemorrhage in the brain and it was multiple hemorrhage. When he was taken to the Lakeshore hospital he was declared brain dead. They kept him in the ventilator for two hours with no possible chances of recovery. He was taken out of the ventilator and his body was brought at 2 pm.

Chopping off the hand of a college teacher

2010-07-07T23:23:00.000-07:00

Today our thoughts concentrate mainly on the threats from the Popular front. They cut the hand of a college lecturer Mr.Joseph and have threatened that they will repeat the same. What are their complaints? Some papers report that their main complaint is that the Muslims are belittled and adverse comments are being made against their prophet. Prof. Joseph was said to havesome insinuating remarks against their prophet in some questions framed for their internal examination. When he came to know that his action has hurt the feelings of a section of people, he apologized and said that he had done so only on lighter vein. But they wanted to take revenge. Just one day some people waylaid-ed him and chopped off his hand and threw the chopped hand into a nearby compound. Luckily some friends of the professor who were nearby took him to a private hospital in Muvattupusha and then to Specialists Hospital in Ernakulam. While reporting this gory incident, many newspapers carried their own versions. Somebody said that a section of the policemen support this group. Some said that the local police is not cooperating in the inquiry instituted into this incident. Some said that the culprits may surrender voluntarily. Police was not able to locate the people who were involved in this incident. They arrested some people and interrogated them. Two people were remanded to custory and were produced in the court. But they were not very helpful. The car said to have been involved in the incident was also obtained and taken to cutody. No useful information was forthcoming and the main culprits are still at large. Public is very much confused over the flood of infomation coming from various quarters. Some terrorist groups are said to have been involved in this. Anyhow the politicians and the policemen are said to be playing hide and seek game.

മഴ

2010-06-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

നല്ല മഴ. ശക്തിയായി കാറ്റും. ഇത് ഇനിയും മൂന്ന് ദിവസം ഉണ്ടായിരിക്കും എന്ന് പറയുന്നു. അതുകൊണ്ട് പുറത്തു പോകാന്‍ പറ്റുന്നില്ല. പെട്ടെന്നുള്ള മഴ പ്രതീക്ഷിക്കാതെ വന്നതാണ്. വഴി നിറച്ചു വെള്ളം തന്നെ.
മോളുടെ മുടി കളഞ്ഞത് കാരണം അവളുടെ ച്ഹായ മാറിപോയി അവളുടെ കളിയും മറ്റും പഴയ പോലെ തന്നെ. കണ്ടവരെല്ലാം മുടി കളഞ്ഞത് കഷ്ടമായി എന്ന് പറയുന്നു. പക്ഷെ തല മൊട്ട അടിച്ചട്ടില്ല. കുറച്ചു ബാക്കി വച്ചിട്ടുണ്ട്. അടുത്ത തവണ മൊട്ട അടിക്കാം എന്ന് വിചാരിക്കുന്നു.
കേസവേട്ടന്‍ ഞാന്‍ ഒന്ന് അവരുടെ വീട്ടില്‍ പോകണം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു കഴിഞ്ഞ മൂന്ന് ദിവസമായി. ഞാന്‍ അമൃത ഹോസ്പിറ്റലില്‍ ചെക്ക്‌ അപ്പ്‌ ചെയ്യാന്‍ പോയി. പുള്ളിക്കാരന് വര്‍ത്തമാനം പറയാന്‍ ഞാന്‍ വേണം. നോക്കട്ടെ വൈകുനേരം മഴ ഇല്ലെങ്ങില്‍ പോകാം.

2010-05-27T00:24:00.000-07:00

വസന്തനും സുനിയും ചെങ്ങമാനാട്ടു മജോജിന്റെ വീട്ടില്‍ പോയിരിക്കുകയാണ്. ഉച്ചക്ക് ഉണ്ണാന്‍ ഏത്തും എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. പോയ കാര്യം നടന്നാല്‍ മതി.
എന്റെ കാലില്‍ നീര് കുറഞ്ഞു. വ്രണമും കുറഞ്ഞു. പക്ഷെ ക്ഷീണം മാത്രം ഉണ്ട്.
വിനയന്‍ ഇന്നലെ രാത്രി വിളിച്ചു. അവന്റെ വീട് നാലാംതിയതി ഒഴിഞ്ഞു കിട്ടും. പക്ഷെ എന്തെങ്കിലും വര്‍ക്ക്‌ ഉണ്ടോ എന്ന് നോക്കണം. അടുക്കള കുറച്ചു പെയിന്റ് ചെയ്യേണ്ടിവരും. അതുകൊണ്ട് പാല് കാച്ചാന്‍ നല്ല ദിവസം നോക്കി പറയണം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. ഞാന്‍ ജയനോട് ചോദിച്ചു. പതിനാലാം തിയതി നല്ല ദിവസമാണ് എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. തിങ്കളാഴ്ച കാലത്ത് സുര്യന്‍ ഉദിച്ചു ഒരു മണിക്കൊരിനുള്ളില്‍ പാല് കാച്ചാന്‍ നല്ലതാണ് എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. അത് വിനയനോട് പറഞ്ഞു.

ഇന്നത്തെ വിശേഷങ്ങള്‍

2010-05-03T22:06:00.000-07:00

എന്തെല്ലാം കാര്യങ്ങള്‍, കസബിന്റെ വിധി, കെ കൊണ്ഗ്രെസ്സിന്റെ ലയനം, തച്ചന്ഗിരി വിശേഷങ്ങള്‍, എന്ന് വേണ്ട പത്രം നിറച്ചു വിശേഷങ്ങള്‍ തന്നെ, ഇത് കൊണ്ടോണ്ടൊരു കാര്യവുമില്ല. രാഷ്രിയം പറയാതിരിക്കുകയാണ് ഏറ്റവും നല്ലത്. നാടിന്റെ പുരോഗതിക്കു വേണ്ടി ഒന്നും ചെയ്യില്ല. പാലം പണിതട്ടില്ല, റോഡിന്‍റെ വീതി കുറക്കാന്‍ ശ്രമം, നാല്പതഞ്ഞും അറുപതും മീറെര്‍ നേരത്തെ എടുത്ത സ്ഥലത്തും, ഉപയോഗിക്കാതെ വെറും മുപ്പതു മീറ്ററില്‍ റോഡുണ്ടാക്കാന്‍ ആണ് ശ്രമം. ഒരു ദീര്ഗ വീക്ഷണവും ഇല്ലാത്ത കൂട്ടര്‍. ഒരു അഞ്ചു കൊല്ലമോ, പത്തു കൊല്ലാമോ
കഴിയുമ്പോള്‍ എന്തായിരിക്കും സ്ഥിതി എന്ന് ചിന്തിക്കാന്‍ പോലും സാധിക്കാത്ത ഒരു കൂട്ടര്‍. അവര്‍ക്ക് പക്ഷം പിടിക്കുന്ന കുറെ രാഷ്ട്രിയക്കാര്‍. എല്ലാവരും ഈ നാട് കുട്ടിച്ചുവരാകും.
വല്ലാര്‍പാടം മയില്‍ തീരില്ല എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. ജൂണില്‍ തീരുമോ എന്ന് കണ്ടറിയണം. ആര്കെന്തു ചേതം.

സാഹിത്യ സദസ്സില്‍ മോഹന വര്‍മ.

2010-04-26T06:58:00.000-07:00

ഇന്നലെ സാഹിത്യ സദസ്സില്‍ മോഹന വര്‍മ യാണ് വന്നത്. ചൊവ്വല്ലൂര്‍ കൃഷ്ണന്കുട്ടിയോ രാധാക്രിശ്നനാണോ വന്നില്ല. പക്ഷെ മോഹന വര്‍മ പറഞ്ഞത് കുറച്ചു കേട്ടു.
പുള്ളി വടക്കേ ഇന്ത്യയില്‍ കുറെ അധികം കൊള്ളാം ജീവിച്ചിരുന്നു. അതുകൊണ്ട് അദ്ധേഹത്തിന്റെ കഥകളില്‍ കുറച്ചു വടക്കേ ഇന്ത്യന്‍ ചുവ ഉണ്ടെന്നു പറയുന്നു.
ഇന്നലെ പറഞ്ഞത് കുറെ കൊല്ലങ്ങള്‍ക്ക് മുന്‍പ്, നാല്പതോ നാല്പത്തി അന്ജോ കൊല്ലങ്ങള്‍ക് മുന്‍പ്, പുള്ളി, ചതിസ്ഗര്‍ഹില്‍ ദാന്ടെവല ഗ്രാമത്തിന്റെ അടുത്ത് ഉള്ള ഒരു ഗ്രാമത്തില്‍ ദാന്ടധേവി ക്ഷേത്രത്തില്‍ തോഴുകയായിരുന്നു. കൂഒടെ ഒരു ഗോത്ര വര്‍ഗത്തില്‍ പെട്ട ഒരു സുഹൃത്തും ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നു. രണ്ടു പേരും കുറെ നേരം തൊഴുതു നിന്നട്ട് തിരിഞ്ഞപ്പോള്‍ വര്‍മ ചോദിച്ചു എന്താണ് പ്രാര്‍ത്ഥിച്ചത്‌ എന്ന്. സുഹൃത്ത്‌ പറഞ്ഞു ഞാന്‍ ഒന്നും ആവശ്യപെട്ടു പ്രര്തിചില്ല. എന്താണ് ചോദിക്കേണ്ടത്‌, എന്ന് അറിഞ്ഞുകൂടാ എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. ഗോത്ര വര്‍ഗത്തില്‍ പെട്ട ആളായത് കൊണ്ട് അയാള്‍ക്ക്‌, അധികം ആവശ്യങ്ങള്‍ ഇല്ല. ഒരു അമ്പും വില്ലും ഉണ്ടെങ്കില്‍ അവന്റെ ഭക്ഷണവും മറ്റു എല്ലാ ആവശ്യങ്ങളും നടക്കും. വളരെ പരിമിതമാണ് അവന്റെ ആവശ്യങ്ങള്‍. ഞാന്‍ ചോദിച്ചു സ്വര്‍ഗം ചോദിക്കയിരുന്നില്ലേ എന്ന്. സ്വര്‍ഗമോ, അതെന്താണ് എന്ന് അവന്‍. ഞാന്‍ പറഞ്ഞപ്പോള്‍ അവന്റെ സ്വര്‍ഗം ഫോറെസ്റ്റ് ഗാര്‍ഡ് ഇല്ലാത്ത കാട്. യഥേഷ്ടം വേട്ടയാടി ഭക്ഷിച്ചു നടക്കാന്‍ ഉള്ള സ്ഥലം എന്നെ അവന്‍ കണ്ടോള്ളൂ. എന്താണ് പ്രര്തിക്കേണ്ടത് എന്ന് അറിയാത്ത കുറെ ആളുകള്‍ ഈ നാട്ടില്‍ ഉണ്ടെന്ന വിവരം എന്നെ ഞെട്ടിച്ചു. ദൈവത്തിന്റെ സഹായം പോലും അവനു വേണ്ട.
പണ്ട് ഏകലവ്യന്റെ കഥ ഓര്‍ത്തു പോയി. അര്‍ജുനനേക്കാള്‍ സമര്‍ത്ഥനായ വില്ലാളി. സ്വയം അഭ്യസിച്ച നടന്നു. പക്ഷെ ഒരു ഗുരുവിന്റെ ആവശ്യം പെട്ടെന്ന് വന്നു. ദ്രോണര്‍ ഇവന്റെ കഴിവ് കണ്ടു അതിശയിച്ചു. ദക്ഷിണയായി അവന്റെ കയ്യിലെ തള്ള വിരല്‍ ചോദിച്ചു. ഒരു കൂസലും ഇല്ലാതെ ഏകലവ്യന്‍ അത് മുറിച്ചു കൊടുത്തു. അവനു തള്ള വിരലിനെക്കാള്‍ കൂടുട്തല്‍ നേടാനായി. ഒരു ചിരഞ്ജീവി യായി ഇന്നും ലോകം അവനെ സ്മരിക്കുന്നു. അവന്റെ പിന്തുടര്‍ച്ചക്കാര്‍ ഇപ്പോഴും ചടിസ്ഗര്‍ഹില്‍ ഉണ്ട്. അവരുടെ വില ആര്‍ക്കും അറിയില്ല. പക്ഷെ ക്രിസ്തു മത അച്ചന്മാര്‍ അവരെ മതം മാറ്റി, ക്രിസ്ടിഅനികലാക്കി കൊണ്ടിരിക്കുന്നു. അങ്ങിനെയെങ്കിലും അവര്‍ രക്ഷ പാടട്ടെ.

വര്‍ക്കല രാധാകൃഷ്ണന്‍

2010-04-26T06:52:00.000-07:00

വര്കല രാധാകൃഷ്ണന്‍ മുന്‍ സ്പീക്കര്‍ മരിച്ചുപോയി. രണ്ടു ദിവസം മുന്പ് നടക്കാന്‍ പോയപ്പോള്‍ ഒരു ലോറി തട്ടി വളരെ ഗുരുതരമായ മുറിവുകള്‍ ഉണ്ടായി. നെഞ്ചിലെ എല്ലുകള്‍ എല്ലാം തകര്‍ന്നു. ശ്വാസകോശം തകരാറിലായി. പാവം, ഇന്ന് മരിച്ചു പോയി.
പാല്‍ ലോറി ആയിരുന്നു എന്ന് പറയുന്നു. പാല്‍ ലോറി അയാലും, കല്ല്‌ ലോറി ആയാലും, ടിപ്പെരയാലും തട്ടിയാല്‍ മരിക്കും എന്ന് ഉറപ്പായി. മാഷെ കണ്ടു ഒന്ന് പറയണം.
രാധാകൃഷ്ണന്റെ ജീവ ചരിത്രം പേപ്പര്‍ നിറയെ. പക്ഷെ പോയല്ലോ. പുള്ളി ഒരു ചരിത്ര സംഭവമായി.

BJP dharna

2010-02-22T23:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday there was a satyagraha in Pullepady by O.Rajagopal and his other BJP friends to protest against the attitude of the govt. in the matter of schemes which are beneficial to the general public. Even in the development scheme the govt. is playing vote bank politics, he said. Two railway brindges at Edapally and at Pullepady are pending for the past five years and the state govt. is not doing anything to hasten it so that the miseries of the people may be mitigated. Mr.Rajagopal said when he was the dy minister for railways, he was taking up for widening the platform of Ernakulam town station. But some Congress leaders came to him and asked him not to proceed further in the matter since the people staying near the Town station are all supporters of Congress party and if the platforms are to be widened their land would be acquired and they will be put to difficulty. In Edapally bridge it is blatant corruption which is delaying the work. Politicians and the officials are siding with the contractor and work is not progressing at all. It is the fourth time that the work is offered for tender and nothing has so far happened. Only 40% of the work is completed by the previous contractor and for the remaining 60% they have placed tender. But no progress has happened. The work on the bridge is to be completed, the approach roads are to be constructed, The main road has to be laid from Edapally junction to Cheranallur. Perhaps further agitational steps may be undertaken to press the govt. to hasten the work.

Sisupalan

2010-02-22T23:17:00.001-08:00

Meeting for condoling the death of Sisupalan, of Hindu Ikya Vedi was held in Pavakkulam temple. They all said that he was a great leader and organizer. KGV was very touchy in his speech.

Sri Lalitha Maha Yagam

2010-02-20T13:41:00.000-08:00

Too much of activity at Vinayaka relating to Sri Lalitha Maha Yagam. Sri Girish Kumar mentioned about it in the Ramakrishna Madom when he was lecturing for Devi mahatmyam. He said someone with the sole intention of world peace and prosperity conducts this yagjam and nobody need pay any donation, but just participate and derive the blessings of the Devi. He said that full lunch will be served at noon and dinner in the night time for the participants. Those who may not have any faith in the poojas performed should take part in the lunch and go.
There was a news report that the temperature of the sea water around Kochi has increased and it is not a good sign at all. But after this yagam, the temperature has come down to normal level.
The personality development course for the school children was a good affair. After hearing the speech of Sri Girishkumar, the students started to ask questions which of course were answered by Sri Girishkumar. He was good and impressive speaker. Ms.Sasikala Teacher who was the President of Hindu Aikya Vedi was honoured in the yagnja hall. She came to address the students and she gave a good speech.
The food queue was quite lengthy and Unni wanted to get back fast. We came away without taking any food there. The effort of the organisers of the Yagam was quite impressive. So many volunteers going around and helping people was praiseworthy. We saw Bala Parameshwari Yagam being performed in a corner by five lady acharyas. A small girl was giving dance recitals and the music was not good. Somehow without taking food we returned by 1 pm.

ദേവി സങ്കല്‍പം

2010-02-09T23:16:00.000-08:00

ഇന്നലെ ഗിരിഷ്കുമാറിന്റെ പ്രഭാഷണം കേട്ടു. ദേവി മഹാത്മ്യം ആണ് വിഷയം. ഒരു ദേവി രൂപത്തെ വളരെ വിസ്തരിച്ചു പറയുനുണ്ടായിരുന്നു. ശുംഭ നിശുംബന്മാരുറെ കഥ. പക്ഷെ തീര്‍നില്ല. ഇന്ന് കൊണ്ടേ തീരുള്ള്. തന്ത്ര ശാസ്ത്ര വിദഗ്ദനാണ് അദ്ദേഹം. തന്ത്ര വിധികളെ പറ്റി പറയുണ്ടായിരുന്നു. ഇന്ന് പോകുമ്പോള്‍ ഒരു ചെറിയ നോട്ട് പുസ്തകവും പേനയും കൊണ്ടുപോകണം. ഒരുപാട് കാര്യങ്ങള്‍ എഴുതി എടുക്കാനുണ്ട്. ഇതെല്ലം പിറ്റേ ദിവസം മാഷോട് വിസ്തരിച്ചു പറയണം. അതല്ലേ കാര്യം. ഇന്ന് പറഞ്ഞപ്പോള്‍ മാഷ് എന്നെ പ്രസംസിച്ചു. എങ്ങിനെ ഓര്‍ത്തു പറയുന്നു എന്ന് ചോദിച്ചു. ഇന്നലത്തെ കാര്യങ്ങള്‍ ഒരു മാതിരി വിസ്തരിച്ചു പറഞ്ഞു. മാഷ് പറയുന്നു ഇത് ഒരു സിദ്ധി ആണെന്ന്. ഞാനൊന്നു പൊങ്ങി പോയി. ചാണ്ട മുണ്ടാന്മാര്‍ ദേവിയെ കണ്ടു ശുംബന്‍ മാരോട് വിസ്തരിച്ചു. ദേവിയുടെ സൌന്ദര്യം വളരെ വിസ്തരിച്ചു പ്രഭാഷകന്‍ പറഞ്ഞു. ദേവിയുടെ രൂപം താന്ത്രികമായി വളരെ പ്രാധാന്യമുള്ളതാണ് എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. ഇന്ന് നോക്കട്ടെ.

വൈറ്റില രാമക്ഷ്ണ മഠം

2010-02-08T23:19:00.000-08:00

വൈറ്റില രാമകൃഷ്ണ മഠത്തില്‍ പരിപാടികളെ പറ്റി സ്വാമി മെയില്‍ അയച്ചിരിക്കുന്നു. ശ്രി ഗിരിഷ്കുമാറിന്റെ പ്രഭാഷണവും മറ്റും. തിങ്ങളാഴ്ച തുടങ്ങി. പക്ഷെ പോകാന്‍ പറ്റിയില്ല. ഇന്ന് പോകാം എന്ന് തോന്നുന്നു. സങ്കരന്‍ കുട്ടി പോയിരുന്നു. അയാള്‍ ഗിരിഷ്കുമാറിന്റെ ഒരു ആരാധകനാണ്. ഞാന്‍ കേട്ടിട്ടില്ല. പതിനഞ്ചിനും പതിനാറിനും മുഴുവന്‍ ദിവസത്തെ പരിപാടികള്‍ ഉണ്ടാകും എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. അന്ന് ജസ്റ്റിസ്‌ ഭാസ്കരന്റെ അധ്യക്ഷതയില്‍ സ്വാമി പൂര്‍ണ അമ്രിതാനന്ദ പുരി ഉദ്ഘാടനം ചെയ്യും, വിജയന്‍ മേനോന്‍റെ പ്രഭാഷണം ഉണ്ടായിരിക്കും. അന്നും പോകണമെന്നാണ് ഉദേശിക്കുന്നത്. ആത്മസ്വരൂപാനന്ദ സ്വാമി ഈ മെയിലും മൊബൈല്‍ എസ എം എസ ഉം അയക്കുന്നുണ്ട്. ഇന്നൊന്നു പോയി നോക്കാം.

ഗീത

2010-01-17T16:45:00.000-08:00

പാവക്കുളത് ഗീത പ്രഭാഷണം. സ്വാമി ബോദാനന്ദ മഹാരാജ്. പരിപാടി ആറു ഉത്ഗാടനം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞെങ്കിലും അളില്ലതതുകൊണ്ട് തുടങ്ങിയപ്പോള്‍ ആറരയായി. ബി ആര്‍ അജിത്‌ അധ്യക്ഷനായി, അതികായന്‍ സ്വാഗതവും ജസ്റ്റിസ്‌ രവിന്ദ്രന്‍ ഉദ്ഗാടനവും രാധാകൃഷ്ണന്‍ നന്നിയും പറഞ്ഞു. യോഗ ആണ് വിഷയം.
സ്വാമിജി ആദ്യം ഗീതയെപറ്റി ഒരു തുടക്കം കുറിച്ച് പിന്നെ യോഗയെ പറ്റി പറഞ്ഞു. പൊതുവേ അറിയാവുന്ന നാല് യോഗങ്ങളെ ഉള്ളു. ഭക്തി, രാജാ, ഞാന, കര്‍മ യോഗതികള്‍ കൂടാതെ വേറെ ചില യോഗങ്ങളുണ്ട് എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. വിഷാദയോഗ, വിഭാഗ യോഗ മുതലായവ. അതിനെ പറ്റി കൂടുതല്‍ അടുത്ത ദിവസങ്ങളില്‍ പറയാം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. സ്വാമിയുടെ ഇംഗ്ലീഷ് ഭാഷ നല്ലതുപോലെ ആസ്വതിക്കാം. പറയുന്നതും വളരെ ലളിതമായി ആര്‍ക്കും മനസിലാകുന്നതുപോലെ പറയും. ഗീതയില്‍ ഉള്ള സാഹചര്യം എല്ലാവര്ക്കും ദൈനന്ദിന ജീവിതത്തില്‍ ഉണ്ടാകും. പ്രശ്നങ്ങളില്‍ നിനൂ ഓടാതെ അവയെ അഭിമുഖീകരിക്കുകയാണ് വേണ്ടത്. പരിഹാരമില്ലാത്ത പ്രശ്നങ്ങളില്ല. പ്രശ്നഗലുണ്ടോ പരിഹാരം തീര്‍ച്ചയായും ഉണ്ട്. അവയെ എങ്ങിനെ നേരിടും. സ്വാമിയുടെ ജോലി പരിഹാരം കാണളല്ല. ഓരോ വ്യക്തിയും സ്വയം മനസ്സിലാക്കാന്‍ സഹായിക്കലാണ്‌ ഗുരുവിന്റെ ജോലി. പരിഹാരം ഒരുരുതരും സ്വയം കാണണം.

സേവശ്രമം പരിപാടി

2010-01-10T15:59:00.000-08:00

രാമകൃഷ്ണ സെവാശ്രമത്തിന്റെ ഇരുപതാരാമത്തെ വാര്‍ഷികം ഒന്‍പതും പാത്തും തിയതികളില്‍ നടത്താം എന്ന് തീരുമാനിച്ചു. അതികായന്‍ എല്ലാം ഏറ്റെടുത്തു നടത്തി. ഉത്ഘാടനം ജസ്റ്റിസ്‌ ഭാസ്കരന്‍ ചെയ്തു. അത് കഴിഞ്ഞു അവിടത്തെ രേസിടെന്റ്റ് അസോസിയേഷന്‍ അങ്ങ്ങ്ങള്‍ നടത്തിയ കലാ പരിപടികലുണ്ടായിരുന്നു. ഇന്നലെ അതായത് പത്താം തിയതി നാം ദത്തെടുത്ത ഗ്രാമത്തിലെ ആളുകള്‍ വന്നു അവരുടെ വക പരിപാടികള്‍ നടത്തി. വൈകുന്നേരം സമാപന സമ്മേളനം കേശവേട്ടന്റെ അധ്യക്ഷതയില്‍ ജസ്റ്റിസ്‌ രവിന്ദ്രന്‍ ഉത്ഗടനം ചെയ്തു. ഡാ ബാലചന്ദ്രന്‍, സിണ്ടികാറെ ബാങ്കിന്റെ മുന്‍ ചെയര്‍മാന്‍, പുരണ്ടാരനന്ദ സ്വാമി മുതലായ പേര്‍ ആശംസകള്‍ അര്പിച്ചു. അതുകഴിഞ്ഞ് വയലിന്‍ ഫ്ലുറ്റ് കച്ചേരി നന്നായിരുന്നു. രാത്രി ഭക്ഷണം കഴിച്ചു മടങ്ങി.
സങ്ങാടകരില്‍ കുറച്ചു അഭിപ്രായ വിത്യാസം ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നു എന്ന് തോന്നുന്നു. വേണുവും അതികായനും ഒച്ച എടുത്തു സംസാരിക്കുന്നത് കണ്ടു. പാവം കേശവേട്ടന്‍ അതില്‍ കുടുങ്ങി. ഞാന്‍ രക്ഷപെട്ടു. ശങ്കരന്‍കുട്ടി ഉണ്ണികൃഷ്ണന്‍ നായരും കൂടി ഇരുന്നു പാട്ട് കേട്ടു.

പാലക്കാട് യാത്ര

2009-12-11T06:23:00.000-08:00

ഒന്നാം തിയതി തൃശ്ശൂരില്‍ രാധാക്രിഷ്ണന്ടെ അമ്മ മരിച്ച സഞ്ചയനം ആയിരുന്നു. ഞാനും, രവിയും, നിര്‍മലയും പോയി പങ്കെടുത്തു. രാധാകൃഷ്ണന്‍ അമ്മയുടെ അടിയന്തിരത്തിന് വരണം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. വിനയന്റെ സ്നേഹിതന്‍ ജിനെഷിന്റെ ഭാര്യയുടെ അച്ഛന്‍ മരിച്ച വിവരം വിനയന്‍ വിളിച്ചു പറഞ്ഞു. വീണ്ടും രവിയും നിര്‍മലയും, ഞാനും പാലക്കാട്ടേക്ക് പോയി.
ഭരത് വികാസ് പരിഷത്തിന്റെ യോഗത്തില്‍, പഞ്ചഗവ്യ ച്ച്കിറ്സയെ പറ്റി ശ്രി രവിന്ദ്രന്‍ സംസാരിച്ചു. കൊടകരയില്‍ അവരുടെ സ്ഥലത്തു വരാന്‍ ക്ഷണിച്ചു. എന്റെ പ്രശ്നം പറഞ്ഞപ്പോള്‍ എന്നോട് ഒന്നു വന്നാല്‍ അവിടെ മരുന്ന് തരം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. രവിനാതിനും ഒന്നു കണ്ടാല്‍ കൊല്ലം എന്നുണ്ടായിരുന്നു. പാലക്കാട്ടേക്ക് പോകുന്ന വഴി ഞങ്ങള്‍ കൊടകരയില്‍, കൃഷ്ണ ആശ്രമത്തിലേക്കു പോയി. രവിന്ദ്രനെ കണ്ടു വിസ്തരിച്ചു സംസാരിച്ചു. കുറെ മരുന്നും അതുക്ഴിക്കേണ്ട രീതി യും പത്ത്യങ്ങളും പറഞ്ഞു തന്നു. രവിനാതിനും കുറെ മരുന്ന് വാങ്ങി ഞങ്ങള്‍ പാലക്കാട്ടേക്ക് പോയി. പലക്കട്ടടുത്തു ഗായത്രി ഹോട്ടലില്‍ ഭക്ഷണം കഴിച്ചു ജിനെഷിന്റെ വീട്ടിലേക്ക് പോയി. അവിടെ സപ്നയെ അസ്വസിപിച്ചു ഞങ്ങള്‍ വടക്കാഞ്ചേരിയില്‍ ശോഭ മേനോന്റെ ഹെര്മിട്ടെജ് വൃദ്ധ സദനം കാണാന്‍ കയറി. മുരളിയാണ് അവിടുത്തെ മാനേജര്‍. പുള്ളി ഞങ്ങളെ വിസ്തരിച്ചു ഓരോ നിളയും കൊണ്ടുപോയി കാണിച്ചു. സ്കൂളും, ആശുപത്രിയും വളരെ നന്നായിരുന്നു.

ഇന്നത്തെ ചിന്ത വിഷയം

2009-12-05T14:48:00.000-08:00

ഇന്നത്തെ പ്രധാന പ്രശ്നങ്ങള്‍: നമ്മുടെ അടുക്കളക്കാരി ശാന്തയുടെ മകളുടെ കല്യാണം അടുത്ത ഞായറാഴ്ച പാവക്കുളത് വച്ചു. വസന്തനും സുനിയും പോകും.
അന്നുതന്നെ വൈക്കം വല്ലകം പള്ളിയില്‍ ശിവന്‍കുട്ടി യുടെ മകളുടെ കല്യാണം. പക്ഷെ അവര്‍ ഒരു കത്ത് പോലും തന്നിട്ടില്ല. ഒന്നു പോയി സമ്മാനം കൊടുത്തു മടങ്ങി വരണം.
അമേരിക്കയില്‍ ഉള്ള ജിനേഷും സപ്നയും വന്നിട്ടുണ്ടാവും. തിങ്ങളാഴ്ച പാലക്കാടു പോയി സപ്നയെ ഒന്നു സമാധാനിപിക്കണം. മടക്കം ജിനേഷിനെ കാണണം. ഒരു പക്ഷെ ജിനേഷ് മാളയില്‍ അവരുടെ വീട്ടില്‍ പോയിട്ടുണ്ടെന്ഗില്‍ അവിടെയും പോകണം.
മടക്കത്തില്‍ കൊടകരയില്‍ ഗോ മരുന്നുകള്‍ കൈകാര്യം ചെയ്യുന്ന രവിന്ദ്രനെയും കാണണം. സേവസ്രമത്തില്‍ അദ്ദേഹം പറഞ്ഞ കാര്യങ്കളില്‍ വിശ്വാസമില്ലാതെ ഇല്ല. പക്ഷെ അത് എത്രത്തോളം എനിക്ക് ഫലപ്രദമാണെന്ന് കണ്ടറിയണം. പുതിയ പ്രശ്നങ്ങള്‍ക്ക് വഴി തുറന്നു കൊടുക്കാനനെങ്ങില്‍ ഒഴിവാക്കാം എന്ന് തോന്നുന്നു.
പാലക്കാട്ടേക്ക് കാറില്‍ പോകാം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. പക്ഷെ രവിക്ക് അത്രയും ദൂരം ഓടിക്കാന്‍ പ്രയാസമുണ്ടാകും. വസന്തനും ഓഫിസുണ്ടാകും. ഒരു ടാക്സി യില്‍ പോവുക മാത്രമെ ഒരു വഴി ഉള്ളു. വിനയനും സമ്മതിച്ചു. പിന്നെ ആരോഗ്യമെയുല്ല് ഒരു പ്രശ്നം . നോക്കട്ടെ.

Health

2009-11-30T23:58:00.001-08:00

Skin problems reappear. Have to meet the doc on Thusday.

ഗോപി മരിച്ചു പോയി

2009-11-29T16:34:00.000-08:00

ഏകദേശം അമ്ബതെട്ടു കൊല്ലാതെ സാഹോദര്യം, അറുപതുകളില്‍ കോഴിക്കോട് ഒന്നിച്ചു താമസിച്ചത് മുതല്‍ ഉള്ള സൗഹൃദം, യുനിഒന്‍ പ്രവര്ത്തനം, ജിമ്നസിയം പോയിരുന്നതും, സിനിമക്ക് പോയതും, ബാലകൃഷ്ണനയിട്ടുള്ളപരിചയവും പ്രവര്‍ത്തനവും രസകരം തന്നെ. ചെറിയ പ്രേമവും അതുണ്ടാക്കിയ കോളിളക്കവും. പണിക്കാരയിടുള്ള അഭിപ്രായ വിത്യസങ്ങളും, സെബാസ്റ്റ്യന്‍ വന്നതും എല്ലാം ഒരു കഥ പോലെ. ഇവിടെ വന്നിട്ട് ലോ കോളേജില്‍ ചേര്‍ന്നതും, കാഞ്ഞാണിയില്‍ പോല്യി പെണ്ണ് കണ്ടതും, പിന്നെ കല്യാണമും എന്ന് വേണ്ട ഞാനില്ലാത്ത ഒരു കാര്യവും പുള്ളിക്കില്ലയിരുന്നു. ബാലനോട് ലീവെടുക്കാന്‍ പറഞ്ഞു എനിക്ക് കിടക്കാന്‍ കട്ടില്‍ തന്നതും, കഞ്ഞി ഉണ്ടാക്കലും കുടിക്കലും പിന്നെ പഠിത്തവും. ലക്ഷ്മനോടിക് പ്രയോഗങ്ങളും, തിങ്ങസും ഗുന്സും ആയി കിഴിഞ്ഞു പോയ നാളുകള്‍ മറക്കാന്‍ സാദിക്കുകയില്ല. പി എസ ജി നായര്‍ ഒരു നല്ല സുഹൃത്തായിരുന്നു. പാവം, ഒരാഴ്ച ആശുപത്രിയില്‍ കിടന്നു. ബാലന്‍ വിളിച്ചു പറഞ്ഞിരുന്നട്ടും ഒന്നു പോയി കണ്ടില്ല. പോകാന്‍ പറ്റിയില്ല. തെറ്റായി പോയി. മരിച്ചു കിടക്കുന്നത് കണ്ടിട്ട് വല്ലാത്ത സങ്കടം തോന്നി. പക്ഷെ പോയി എന്നുള്ളത് ഒരു വാസ്തവ മായി. എന്‍ പി ഡി മേനോന്‍ കൂടെ ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നു. പലരെയും കണ്ടു, ബാലനെയും ചേട്ടനെയും മകന്‍ മനോജിനെയും കണ്ടു സമാധാനിപ്പിച്ചു. കഷ്ടമായിപോയി.

ഗുരുവായൂര്‍ മേല്‍ ശാന്തി വിശേഷം

2009-11-20T16:22:00.000-08:00

മഹാവിഷ്ണു വിന്‍റെ ദര്‍ശനം കിട്ടി എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു ഒരു പെണ്‍കുട്ടി വരുമായിരുന്നു. ഞാന്‍ പറഞ്ഞു വല്ല ഗന്ധര്‍വന്റെ പുരപ്പടയിരിക്കും, ഒന്നു ഒരു ജ്യോത്സനെ കാണാന്‍ നിര്‍ദേശിച്ചു. ജ്യോത്സ്യന്‍ അല്ല മഹാവിഷ്ണു ദര്ശനം കിട്ടിയിട്ടുണ്ട്. ആ കുട്ടിക്ക് ശങ്ക ചക്ര ഗാഥ ധാരിയായ ശ്രീ മഹാവിഷ്ണുവിന്റെ ദര്ശനം കിട്ടി എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. ആ കുട്ടി ദിവസവും വന്നു പിറ്റേന്ന് എന്ത് അലങ്കാരമാണ് ചെയ്യാന്‍ പോകുന്നത് എന്ന് അവളുടെ അമ്മയോട് പറയും. അത് മിക്കവാറും ശരിയായിരിക്കും. ഇങ്ങിനെ ദര്‍ശനം കിട്ടിയ പലരും വരാറുണ്ട്. മഞ്ഞ ശാരി ഉടുത്തു ഒരു സ്ത്രീ വരും. അവര്ക്കും ദര്ശനം കിട്ടിയിട്ടുണ്ട് എന്ന് പറയും. മഞ്ഞ വസ്ത്രം ഉടുത്താല്‍ മതി എന്ന് ഭഗവാന്‍ പറയും എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. മിക്ക ദിവസവും വന്നു തൊഴുതു പോകും. (തുടരും)

ഗുരുവായൂര്‍ മേല്‍ശാന്തി വിശേഷം

2009-11-20T15:41:00.000-08:00

വളരെ സുഖകരമായ അന്തരീക്ഷം. നല്ല കാലാവസ്ഥ. വൈകുന്നേരം ഒരു ചെറിയ മഴചാട്ടല്‍. തണുപ്പ് ഉള്ള കാലാവസ്ഥ.സബരിമല സീസണ്‍ തുടങ്ങിയതിന്റെ ലക്ഷണം. ശരണം വിളി കേള്‍കാം. അമ്പലത്തില്‍ നല്ല തിരക്ക്. ഞങ്ങള്‍ മേല്‍ശാന്തി കൃഷ്ണന്‍ തിരുമേനിയെ കാണാന്‍പോയി . ഗുവയൂരിലെ നിയോഗം കഴിഞ്ഞു വന്നതല്ലേ. അധെഹതോട് സംസാരിച്ചിരിക്കാന്‍ നല്ല രസമുണ്ടായിരുന്നു.
അദ്ദേഹം പറഞ്ഞു ഒരു ചീത്തപെരിന്ല്ലാതെ പോന്നത് നല്ല കാര്യം എന്ന്. കാരണം നാം ചെയ്യുന്ന ചെറിയ തെറ്റുകള്‍ കാണാന്‍ ധാരാളം കണ്ണുകള്‍ അവിടെ ഉണ്ട്. പിട്ട്റെ ദിവസം പത്രത്തില്‍ വരുമ്പോഴേ നാം അറിയൂ. എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു ചിരിച്ചു. എന്തായിരുന്നു അനുഭവങ്ങള്‍ എന്ന് ചോദിച്ചപ്പോള്‍ അദ്ദേഹം വാചാലനായി.
ശ്രികൊയിലില്‍ ഇരിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ നമുക്കു ദൈവത്തിന്റെ സാമീപ്യം നല്ല പോലെ അറിയാന്‍ സാധിക്കും, രാവിലെ മൂന്ന് മണിക്ക് അകത്തു കയറിയാല്‍ ഉച്ചക്ക് ഒരു മണി കഴിഞ്ഞേ വെള്ളം പോലും കുടിക്കാന്‍ പറ്റുള്ളൂ. ഒട്ടും വിശ്രമം ഇല്ലാതെ അലങ്കാരങ്ങളും പൂജകളും ചെയ്തു കൊണ്ടിരിക്കണം. നിന്നു തിരിയാന്‍ സമയമില്ല. ശുദ്ധം കൂടുതലാണ്. അറിയാതെ ഒരു പൂവ് ചവുട്ടിയാല്‍ ഉടനെ കുളത്തില്‍ മുങ്ങി കുളിച്ചു വരണം. അലങ്കാരങ്ങള്‍ മാറ്റി പുതിയ അലങ്കാരം ചെയ്യണം. ഒരു മണിക്കൂര്‍ പോകും. അത്രയും താമസിക്കും. ചിലപ്പോള്‍ രണ്ടോ മൂനോ പ്രാവശ്യം ഇതു വേണ്ടിവരും. ശങ്കരാചാര്യര്‍ നിശ്ചയിച്ച ക്രമങ്ങളാണ്‌. ആരും മാറ്റാന്‍ ധൈര്യപെട്ടിടില. ആദ്യം ബുദ്ധിമുട്ട് തോന്നിയാലും പിന്നെ സൂക്ഷിക്കും. ഉച്ചക്ക് വന്നു ഭക്ഷണം കഴിച്ചു വിശ്രമിച്ചു വീണ്ടും മൂനരക്ക് വീണ്ടും എത്തണം.
ഒരിക്കല്‍ ഒരു വയസ്സായ ഒരാള്‍ വന്നു എന്നെ കാണണം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. പൂജ കഴിഞ്ഞു മുറിയില്‍ വരൂ എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. അല്ല അത്യാവശ്യമാണ് ഉടന്‍ പുറത്തു വരണം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. പുറത്തു വന്നാല്‍ അശുദ്ധമാകും അത് കൊണ്ടു പറഞ്ജോള്ളൂ കേള്‍കാം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. അതീവ രഹസ്യമാണ് താങ്കള്‍ മാത്രം കേട്ടാല്‍ മതി എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. ശരി എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു എന്താ പറയാനുള്ളത് എന്ന് ശ്രദ്ധിച്ചു. കണ്ണില്‍ കരടുണ്ട്, പാദത്തിലും കക്ഷത്തിലും അഴുക്കുണ്ട്. കുളിപ്പിക്കുമ്പോള്‍ ശ്രദ്ധിക്കണം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. ബിംബത്തിന്റെ കാര്യമാണ് പറഞ്ഞതു. എങ്ങിനെ അറിഞ്ഞു എന്ന് ചോദിച്ചതിനു ഉത്തരമില്ല. ശരി നോക്കാം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു. പിറ്റേ ദിവസം കാലത്തു കുളിപ്പിക്കുന്ന സമയത്തു നോക്കിയപ്പോള്‍ ശരിയാണ്. അഷ്ടബന്ധ പശ കാലില്‍ ഒട്ടിയിരുന്നു, കക്ഷത്തിലും. അത് കഴുകി കളഞ്ഞു. പക്ഷെ കണ്ണിന്റെ കാര്യം എങ്ങിനെ പരിഹരിക്കും. നോക്കിയപ്പോള്‍ തലയില്‍ തേച്ച ശംഖു പൊടിയുടെ ഒരു തരി കണ്ണില്‍ ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നു. അത് കഴുകി കളഞ്പ്പോള്‍ എല്ലാം ശരിയായി. ആ പറഞ്ഞ ആളെ പിന്ന കണ്ടിട്ടില്ല.
(തുടരും)

വൃച്ചിഗ മാസം

2009-11-16T16:13:00.000-08:00

വൃച്ചിഗ മാസം ഇനി ഐയപ്പ മാസമായിരിക്കും. ശരണം വിളികളും, അമ്പലങ്ങളില്‍ പൂജകളും, തൊഴലും, കറുത്ത വസ്ത്രവും എന്ന് വേണ്ട ആകെകൂടി നല്ല ദൈയ്വ വിചാരത്തിന്റെ നാളുകള്‍. സബരിമാലയില്‍ തീര്തടകര്ക് വേണ്ട ഒരുക്കങ്ങള്‍ ഒന്നും നേരെ ചെയ്തട്ടില്ല എണ്ണ ആരോപണമുണ്ട്. വഴികള്‍ നന്നാക്കാനുണ്ട്. സാധനങ്ങളുടെ വില കുറച്ചു ജീവിതം സുഘകരമാക്കനുണ്ട്. ആര്‍കും അതിനെപറ്റി വിചാരമില്ല. രാഷ്ട്രിയക്കാര്‍ തമ്മില്‍ തല്ലി നേരം കളയുന്നു. നല്ല മഴ കിട്ടി. കര്രന്റ്റ് കട്ട് ഉണ്ടവുല്ല. ജനജീവിതം സുഖകരമാക്കാന്‍ എന്തെക്കിലും ചെയ്തെ പറ്റു.

Sabarimala season starts-Vrichigam 1st

2009-11-15T16:06:00.001-08:00

The whole atmosphere is going to be charged with saranam vilee. The climate is very congenial. slight rain in the afternoons.

2009-11-12T22:45:00.000-08:00

തിരഞ്ഞെടുപ്പില്‍ മൂന്ന് സീറ്കളും വലതുപക്ഷം ജയിച്ചതിനു ശേഷം മുമുരുപ്പ് തീര്നട്ടില്ല. സുധാകരന്റെ വിജയമാണ് എന്നും അല്ല കൊണ്ഗ്രെസ്സിന്റെ വിജയമാണെന്നും വാര്‍ത്തകള്‍ പ്രച്ചരിപിക്കുന്നു. ആരുടെ വിജയമാനെങ്ങിലും സംഗതി കൊള്ളാം. ഇടതന്മാര്‍ തൊട്ടു തൊപ്പി ഇടുന്ന രംഗം. അവര്‍ക്ക് ഒന്നും പറയാനില്ല.
അമ്പലത്തില്‍ ഉത്സവത്തിന് തയാറെടുപ്പ്. പരിപാടികള്‍ അസോത്രണം ചെയ്യുന്നു.
മുളവുകാട് നിവാസികള്‍ വഴി ക്കുവേണ്ടി സമരം ചെയ്തു നേടി എടുത്തു.

2009-11-08T13:29:00.000-08:00

അങ്ങിനെ പറഞ്ഞു പറഞ്ഞു ഇലക്ഷന്‍വന്നു പോയി. ഏറ്റവും കൂടുതല്‍ പോളിംഗ് ശതമാനം ആയിരുന്നു. അതിന്റെ ഗുണം ഞങ്ങള്‍ക്കാണ് എന്ന് എല്ലാവരും പറയുന്നുണ്ട്. പക്ഷെ ഏറനാകുലത്ത് മക്കട്ടുപരംബിലും മറ്റും റോഡിന്റെ വികസനം ചെയ്യാത്തത് കൊണ്ടു എലെച്റേന്‍ ബഹിഷ്കരിച്ചത് ഒരു പുതുമയുള്ള കാര്യമായിരുന്നു. കഴിഞ്ഞ കാലത്ത് ഇരുപതു പാര്‍ലിമെന്റ് അംഗങ്ങള്‍ ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നട്ടും ഇടതു പക്ഷത്തിനു ഒരു റെയില്‍ പാലം പോലും നേരാവണ്ണം മേടിച്ചുതാരന്‍ സാധിച്ചട്ടില്ല. വരപുഴ പാലത്തിന്റെ കാര്യവും പുല്ലേപടി പാലത്തിന്റെ സ്ഥിതിയും അതുതന്നെ. മര്യാദക്ക് ഒരു റോഡുപോലും ശരിയായിട്ടില്ല. പിന്നെ എന്ത് വികസനം ചെയ്തെന്നനുപരയുന്നത്. പദ്ധതി തുടങ്ങിയിട്ടും എട്ടു മാസം കഴിഞ്ഞട്ടും വിഹിതത്തിന്റെ പതിനൊന്നു ശതമാനം പോലും ചെലവ് ചെയ്യാന്‍ സാധിക്കാത്ത ആരുടെയെല്ലാം പോക്കെറ്റുകള്‍ നിറയാന്‍ കാത്തിരിക്കുന്നു. പാലങ്ങലോ ഫ്ലൈ ഓവരുങലോ ഒന്നും ഇല്ല. മുഷിഞ്ഞ കാലം.

എലെക്ഷന്‍ രംഗം

2009-10-27T00:40:00.000-07:00

നഗരം മുഴുവനും പോസ്റെരുകളും ചുമരെഴുത്തും കൊണ്ടു നിറഞ്ഞിരിക്കുകയാണ്. പത്ര വാര്‍ത്തകളില്‍ എലെക്ഷുന്‍ വാര്‍ത്തകളാണ് കൂടുതല്‍. ആര് ജയിക്കും? ഇതാണ് എവിടെയും ചര്ച്ച. ഡൊമിനിക്‌ ജയിച്ചാല്‍ അത് ഒരു വാശി ആയിരിക്കും. നഗരത്തിനു പല നല്ല കാര്യങ്ങളും ചെയ്യാന്‍ സാധിക്കും. കൊര്പോരഷന്‍ എലെക്ഷനില്‍ മാര്‍ക്സിസ്റ്റ്‌ പാര്ട്ടി തോറ്റുപോയാല്‍ പിന്നെ അവര്ക്കു തിരിച്ചു വരാന്‍ പറ്റുമെന്ന് തോന്നുന്നില്ല. റോഡുകളുടെ കാര്യം, പാലങ്ങള്‍, ഫ്ലൈ ഓവരുങള്‍, റെയില്‍വേ പാലങ്ങള്‍, മെട്രോ റെയില്‍ എന്നുവേണ്ട ഇതില്‍ എന്തെങ്ങിലും ചെയ്താല്‍ പിന്നെ മാര്‍ക്സിസ്റ്റ്‌ പാര്ട്ടി അധികാരത്തില്‍ വരം എന്ന് സ്വപ്നം കാണണ്ട. കാനകളും വൃത്തിയായി, ചവരിന്റെയും പ്രശ്നം പരിഹരിച്ചാല്‍, ഈ നാട് സ്വര്‍ഗമായി. വെറും മോഹവും സ്വപ്നവും. നമ്മുടെ ആയുസില്‍ ഇതു കാണാന്‍ പറ്റുമോ എന്ന് അര്കറിയാം.
കലൂര്‍ ജങ്ങ്ഷന്‍ നല്ല രീതിയില്‍ വികസിച്ചു ധാരാളം കടകളും മറ്റും വന്നാല്‍, എന്തൊരു ഭംഗിയായിരിക്കും. ഒരു നഗരത്തിന്റെ പ്രതിച്ച്തായ ഉണ്ടാകും. അവശ്യ സാധനങ്ങള്‍ എല്ലാം കിട്ടും. തമ്മനം പാലം വന്നാല്‍ തിരക്ക് കുറയും. ധ്യര്യമായി വഴി മുറിച്ചു കടക്കാം.

2009-10-27T00:39:00.000-07:00

പോളിറ്റ്‌ ബുരോ യുടെ പുതിയ തീരുമാനങ്ങള്‍ മാര്‍ക്സിസ്റ്റ്‌ പാര്‍ട്ടി ക്ക് തലവേദന ഉണ്ടാക്കി എന്ന് തോന്നുന്നു. മൂന്ന് തവണ സ്റ്റേറ്റ് സെക്രട്ടറി ആയികഴിഞ്ഞ പിണറായി അടുത്ത പൊദുയൊഗതില് സ്ഥാനം ഒഴിയണം എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞാല്‍ എങ്ങിനെ ശരിയാവും? പുതിയ സ്റ്റേറ്റ് സെക്രട്ടറി ഇത് പോലെ സ്വീകര്യനകുമോ? അയാളുടെ പ്രത്യയ ശാസ്ത്രം എന്തായിരിക്കും? അയാളുടെ ഗ്രൂപ്‌ ആരെല്ലമുണ്ടാവും? വീ. എസ. ഉണ്ടാകുമോ? എല്ലാം കലങ്ങി മറിഞ്ഞു പുതിയ ഗ്രൂപുങള്‍ ഉണ്ടായാല്‍ എങ്ങിനെ അത് പാര്‍ട്ടി ക്ക് ഗുണം ചെയ്യും എന്നെല്ലാം ആലോചിക്കണം. ഏതായാലും ഒരു പുതിയ പരിഷ്കാരം എങ്ങിനെ ഉരുത്തിരിഞ്ഞു വരും എന്ന് നോക്കണം.

തിരഞ്ഞെടുപ്പ് രംഗം.

2009-10-20T01:38:00.000-07:00

കള്ള വോട്ടു ചെയ്യാന്‍ വോട്റെര്‍ലിസ്ട്ട് പുദുകുന്നതില് ഏകദേശം പതിനാറായിരം പേര്‍ അപേക്ഷിചെന്നും അതില്‍ പകുതി പ്പേര്‍ തന്ന മേല്‍വിലാസം തെറ്റാണെന്നും അത് കൊണ്ടു അവരെ ലിസ്റ്റ് ഇല് നിന്നും നീക്കണമെന്നും കേള്ക്കുന്നു. ജില്ല കളക്ടറും സുധാകരനും തമ്മില്‍ ഏറ്റുമുട്ടി കലക്ടര്‍ ആവശ്യപെട്ട തനുസരിച്ചു ഒരു ജാമ്യമില്ല വരണ്ടു പുറപ്പെടുവിച്ചു. കലക്ടര്‍ വയലാര്‍ രവി തിരഞ്ഞെടുപ്പ് ചട്ടങ്ങള്‍ ലങഗിച്ചു എന്ന് തിരഞ്ഞെടുപ്പ് കൊമ്മിഷനര്‍ക്ക് റിപ്പോര്ടയച്ചു. കല്ലക്ടര്‍ ഒരു ഏറ്റുമുട്ടലിന് ഒരുങ്ങുഗയാണെന്ന് വ്യക്തം. സുധാകരനെ എങ്ങിനെയെങ്ങിലും അറസ്റ്റ് ചെയ്യണമെന്നു മാര്‍ക്സിസ്റ്റ്‌ കാരും, കല്ലെക്ടരുമ് തീരുമാനിച്ചാല്‍ അവരതു ചെയ്യും. പിന്നെ സമരവും വഴക്കും ഒച്ചപടും മിച്ചം. തിരഞ്ഞെടുപ്പ് മാറ്റി വക്കണമെന്ന് ഒരു അഭിപ്രായമുണ്ട്. അത് ആര് ചെയ്യും. ചീഫ് ഇലക്ഷന്‍ കൊമ്മിശുനെര്‍ ചെയ്യണം. സ്റ്റേറ്റ് മന്ത്രിമാരും ചട്ടങ്ങള്‍ ലങഗിച്ചു എന്ന് പറയുന്നവരുണ്ട്. അപ്പോള്‍ എല്ലാ എലെച്ശുനും മാറ്റി വക്കണം. ഏതായാലും വരും ദിവസങ്ങള്‍ സംഭവ ബഹുകുലംയിരിക്കും.

എലെക്ഷഷന്‍ രംഗം

2009-10-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

ബാലചന്ദ്രന് പകരം സീനുലാല്‍ മാര്ക്സിസ്റ്റ് പാര്ട്ടി യുടെ ആളായി തിരഞ്ഞെടുപ്പില്‍ വരം എന്ന്നു പറഞ്ഞപ്പോള്‍ എല്ലാം ഒരുവിധം ശാന്തമായി. ഡോമിനിക് പ്രസേന്റ്റേന്‍ ഉം, സീനുലാല്‍ ഉം പിന്നെ ശോഭ സുരേന്ദ്രന്നും കൊള്ളാം രംഗം കൊഴുക്കാന്‍ ഇതു മതി. പക്ഷെ കണ്ണൂരിലെ പോലെ വ്യാജ അപേക്ഷകള്‍ ഇവിടെയുണ്ടാവുമോ എന്നറിയാന്‍ ബുദ്ധിമുട്ടാണ്. പ്രചരണം തുടങ്ങട്ടെ. കാണാം.

Balachandran's dilemma

2009-10-11T05:09:00.001-07:00

Balachandran has been approached by the CPM to be their candidate for the next election which he turned down. By this his reputation has gone up many fold. He has his own reputation in the city and the party should not try to encash on his reputation. Left to themselves they will certainly not win. Balachandran got us the Kaloor Kadavanthara Road, Gandhi Nagar, Mattancherry Bridge and many changes which we were looking forward to. No other politician has done anything for the city compared to his achievements. He could have been nominated to the Parliament. Why the party did not think of him abd chose to nominate Sindhu Joy and lost the election.

റോഡുകളുടെ അവസ്ഥ

2009-10-09T03:32:00.000-07:00

മഴ ഏകദേശം മാറി എന്ന് പറയാം. പക്ഷെ കുഴിയായ റോഡുകളെ നന്നാക്കാന്‍ ഇനിയും നടപടി ഉണ്ടാവാത്തത് അതിശയകരം തന്നെ. ഉള്‍നാടന്‍ റോഡുകളും നന്നാക്കാന്‍ കേന്ദ്രം ധാരാളം പണം തന്നിട്ടും ഒന്നും ചെയ്യാത്തത് എന്തുകൊണ്ടാണ്. അധികം ഗദാഗദമില്ലത ഗ്രാമീണ റോഡുകളും നന്നക്കിട്ടു വര്‍ഷങ്ങളായി.
കൊച്ചിനഗരത്തില്‍ കലൂരില്‍ കാണ പണിയാന്‍ തുടങ്ങിയിട്ട് മൂന്ന് മാസമായി, ഇനിയും തീര്നട്ടില്ല. പല ബസ്സ് അപകടങ്ങളും ഉണ്ടായി. എന്നിട്ടും കാന പണി തീര്നിട്ടില്ല.
ഈ എന്ജിനീര്‍ മാരും ഉധ്യോങസ്തരും ചേര്ന്നു നമുക്കു മെട്രോ റെയില്‍ ഉം ഫ്ലൈ ഓവര്‍ ഉം എല്ലാം പണിതു തരാന്‍ ഉള്ളവരാണ്. ലോക്കല്‍ ബസ്സ് സ്റ്റാന്റ് വൈറ്റിലയില്‍ എന്ന് പണിതു തീരാനാണ്. റോഡെല്ലാം വെട്ടി പൊളിച്ചു എത്ര കാലം കിടക്കും എന്ന് കണ്ടറിയാം. അപ്പോഴേക്കും മന്ത്രി സഭ മാറി വേറെ ഗവണ്മെന്റ് വന്നാല്‍ പിന്നെയും കുഴപ്പമായി. രണ്ടു റെയില്‍വേ മേമ്പാലങ്ങള്‍ ഇനിയും തീര്നട്ടില്ല. ജനങ്ങള്ക്ക് ഇത്ര സൌകര്യപ്രദമായ കാര്യങ്ങള്‍ പോലും ആരും അന്വേഷിക്കുന്നില്ല. നഗരം വീര്‍പു മുട്ടുകയാണ്.

തേക്കടി

2009-10-09T03:21:00.000-07:00

തേക്കടി ബോട്ട് കേസില്‍ ഇപ്പോള്‍ വേറെ ആളുകളെ അറസ്റ്റ് ചെയ്യാന്‍ തുടങ്ങിയത് നന്നായി. യേശുദാസ് വരെ പറഞ്ഞു ഡ്രൈവര്‍ മാത്രം കുട്ടകാരന്‍ എന്ന് വച്ചാല്‍ അയാള്ക്ക് നിയമ സഹായം കൊടുക്കാന്‍ തയാറാണെന്ന്. ടൌരിസം ടെവേലോപ്മെന്റ്റ്‌ കോര്‍പറേഷന്‍ managing ഡയറക്ടര്‍ റെ യും കുട്ട്കരനക്കി അന്വേഷിക്കണം. ടൂറിസം മന്ത്രി യും ഉത്തരം പറയണം. ഇത്ര അധികം ആളുകള്‍ മരിച്ചിട്ടും ഒരു കുലുക്കവുമില്ലാതെ ഒരു നടപടിയും എടുക്കാതെ ഇരിക്കുന്നത് തെറ്റല്ലേ. ഇതിന് മുന്പിലുണ്ടായ അപകടങ്ങളില്‍ അന്വേഷണ റിപ്പോര്‍ട്ടുകള്‍ എടുത്തു അതില്‍ ശുപാര്ശ ചെയ്ത കാര്യങ്ങള്‍ പരിശോധിച്ച് ഉടന്‍ നടപടി എടുക്കണം. ഇത്ര അദികം ആള്‍കാര്‍ മരിച്ചിട്ടും ആര്‍കും ഒരു ഉത്തരവധിത്വമും ഇല്ല എന്ന് പറയുന്നതു തെറ്റല്ലേ.

Sad news of death

2009-10-07T16:14:00.001-07:00

After the demise of Sajibai, today it is the mother of Silvy. The road is filled with mourners. It is the season of death. It started with the lame beggar around the corner and then within a short time it is the third occuring. How many more will come?

ഗാന്ധി ജയന്തി

2009-10-03T05:55:00.000-07:00

ദ, ശശി വീണ്ടും. ഒക്ടോബര്‍ രണ്ടിന് ഒഴിവു വേണ്ട. ഗാന്ധിജി എല്ലാവരും എല്ലാ ദിവസവും ജോലി ചെയ്യാന് പറഞ്ഞിട്ടുട് അതുകൊണ്ട് ഗാന്ധി ജയന്തി ഒഴിവു വേണ്ട എന്ന്. ഇതു ട്വിട്ടെരില്‍ വന്ന അഭിപ്രായമാണ് അപ്പോഴേക്കും എല്ലാ പത്രങ്ങളിലും മറ്റും ഈ വിശേഷം വന്നുകഴിഞ്ഞു. ഞാന്‍ എഴുതി ഒരു ദിവസം ശമ്പളത്തോട്‌ ഒഴിവു എന്നുള്ളത് ഒരു ബോണസ് പോലെ ആണ്. ജോലിക്കാര്ക് അത് നഷ്ടപെടാന്‍ പാടില്ല. എത്രയോ കാലമായി ഉള്ള ഒരു ആനുകൂല്യം എന്തിന് വേണ്ടെന്നു വക്ക്യണം. തര്രൂര്‍ സാരിണ്ടേ ഉദ്ദേശം എന്താണ് എന്ന് മനസ്സിലാകുന്നില്ല. വെറും പബ്ലിസിറ്റി ആണോ ഉദ്ദേശം? ഇങ്ങിനെ പ്രസ്താവന ഇറക്കിയത് കൊണ്ടു ഒരു കാര്യമില്ല. വെറുതെ നാട്ടുകാരുടെ വെറുപ്പ്‌ സംപാതിക്കണേ സാധിക്കു. ജോലി ചെയ്യിക്കാന്‍ വേറെ എന്തെല്ലാം ഉപതികള്‍ ഉണ്ട്. ഇങ്ങിനെ പ്രസ്താവന ഇറക്കിയാല്‍ ജോലി നടക്കുമോ? അല്ലെങ്ങില്‍ എന്തെങ്കിലും ഒരു കന്ട്രോവേര്സി നില നിര്തികൊണ്ടിരിക്കനാണോ? എന്തായാലും ശശി തരൂരിന്റെ പോപ്പുലാരിറ്റി താഴോട്ട് തന്നെ.

Big tragedy.

2009-10-02T15:59:00.000-07:00

ഇന്നത്തെ വലിയ ട്രാജഡി ഭാസ്കരന്‍ മാഷ് ണ്ടെ ഭാര്യ മോളി ടീച്ചര്‍ മരിച്ചതാണ്. മോളിടീചെരുടെ അച്ഛന്ടെ ചത്ത മയിരുന്നത്രേ. പക്ഷെ അവര്‍ കൊച്ചിയില്‍ പോയില്ല. ഇവിടെ അമ്പലത്തില്‍ പോയി തൊഴുതു വന്നു കിടന്നു. മാഷ് ഭക്ഷണം കഴിച്ചു. സ്വീകരണത്തിന് പോകാന്‍ തയാറായിരുന്നു. പക്ഷെ ടീച്ചര്‍ ക്ക് സുഖമില്ലതപോലെ ഓക്കാനിച്ചു, കണ്ണടച്ച് കിടന്നു. വേറെ ആരും ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നില്ല. മാഷ് ഒറ്റയ്ക്ക് ഒരു ഓന്‍സ് കഷായം കൊടുത്തു. പക്ഷെ കണ്ണടച്ച് കിടന്നു. സ്വീകരണത്തിന് കൊണ്ടുപോകാന്‍ സംഘാടകര്‍ വന്നിരുന്നു. പക്ഷെ ടീച്ചറുടെ മറ്റു കണ്ടിട്ട് അവര്‍ സ്ഥലം വിട്ടു. മാഷ് വഹിത ഡോക്ടറെ വിളിപിച്ചു, പക്ഷെ അവര്‍ പറഞ്ഞു മരിച്ചെന്നു. മാഷ് ഇങ്ങോട്ട് ഫോണ്‍ ചെയ്തു. വസന്തന്‍ ഓടിപോയി കുറച്ചുകഴിഞ്ഞു ഞാനും പോയി. പാവം മാഷ് ഒറ്റയ്ക്ക് എല്ലാവരെയും വിളിച്ചു പറയാന്‍ പ്രയാസപ്പെടുന്നു.. അപ്പോഴേക്കും ഹരിദാസും രത്നകുമാറും വന്നു. അവര്‍ വിളിച്ചു പറഞ്ഞു കൊണ്ടിരുന്നു.
അവരുടെ ശാഖയില്‍ വിളിച്ചുപറഞ്ഞു അവര്‍ വന്നു. സനിയാഴ്ച രാവിലെ പത്തിന് സംസ്കാരം വയ്ക്കാം എന്ന് വിചാരിച്ചു. മഴ നല്ലപോലെ പയ്തു. രാത്രി വരെ ഇരുന്നു അസ്വസിപിച്ചിട്ടു വന്നു. ആരോ ബാംഗ്ലൂരില്‍ നിന്നു വന്നിട്ട് മാത്രമെ സംസ്കാര ചടങ്ങ് നടക്കു. വൃന്ദയും വിനയനും വിളിച്ചിരുന്നു.

Enchanting Kerala

2009-10-02T15:12:00.000-07:00

My blog will be included in a web blog portal http://enchantingkerala.org.
Henceforth all my updates will be seen in the abovementioned portal. This is for your info.

ഗോവ. ഡോക്ടര്‍ മാരുടെ പ്രാക്ടീസ്

2009-10-01T00:16:00.000-07:00

മെഡിക്കല്‍ കോളേജില്‍ അധ്യാപകരുടെ സ്വകാര്യ പ്രാക്ടീസ് നിര്‍ത്തലാക്കി. അതുകൊണ്ട് ആര്‍ക് പ്രയോജനം. രോഗികള്‍ നല്ല ഡോക്ടര്‍മാരുടെ അടുക്കല്‍ ചെന്നു ചികിത്സ നേടിയേനെ. ഡോക്ടര്‍ മാരുടെ ജോലി സമയം പറഞ്ഞതു കൊണ്ടു ആ സമയത്തു അവര്‍ ജോലി സ്ഥലത്തുണ്ടോ എന്ന് നോക്കിയാല്‍ പോരെ. ഇപ്പോള്‍ രോഗികള്‍ സ്വകാര്യ ആശുപത്രി യെയും ഡോക്ടര്‍മാരെയും ആശ്രയിക്കേണ്ടി യിരിക്കുന്നു. കൂടുതല്‍ ചെലവ്. ബുദ്ധിമുട്ട്. മെഡിക്കല്‍ കോളേജ് ഡോക്ടര്‍ മാരുടെ സമ്പളം കൂട്ടി എന്നുള്ളത് കൊണ്ടു പ്രൈവറ്റ് പ്രാക്ടീസ് കൊണ്ടുള്ള വരവും വേണ്ട എന്ന് ഗവണ്മെന്റ് ചിന്ദിച്ചുവോ? എന്തായാലും ഡോക്ടര്‍ മാരെ കൈകാര്യം ചെയ്ത രീതി തീരെ ശരിയായില്യ എന്ന് വേണം കരുതാന്‍. ഇത്ര അധികം ഡോക്ടര്‍മാരുടെ സേവനം രോഗികള്‍ക്ക്‌ കിട്ടാതെ പോകുന്നു. ഈ രോഗികളെ എല്ലാം സ്വകാര്യ ആശുപത്രി കളിലേക്ക് പറഞ്ഞയക്കാന്‍ ഗവണ്മെന്റ് തലത്തില്‍ നടപടി ഉണ്ടായി എന്ന് വേണം പറയാന്‍. ഇപ്പോള്‍ ഗോവ. ദാന്ധ ഡോക്ടര്‍ മാര്‍ക്കും സ്വകാര്യ പ്രാക്ടീസ് പാടില്യ എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞിരിക്കുന്നു. എന്താണാവോ ഉധെശിചിരിക്കുന്നതു എന്ന് മനസ്സിലാകുന്നില്ല.

പോലിസിണ്ടേ പോരായ്മ

2009-09-23T22:01:00.000-07:00

മുഖ്യ മന്ത്രി തന്നെ പറഞ്ഞിരിക്കുന്നു പോലീസില്‍ പലരും കൈകൂലി വാങ്ങുന്നവരുണ്ട് എന്ന്. മാഫിയ കളെ നിയന്ത്രിക്കാന്‍ പോലീസ് ഒന്നും ചെയ്തട്ടില്ല എന്ന്. ഭാരത്തിന്റെ പോരയ്മയല്ലേ അങ്ങിനെ പറഞ്ഞതു. മുഖ്യ മന്ത്രി ആയി. ഈ പോരായ്മ പരിഹരിക്കാന്‍ എന്ത് ചെയ്യണമെന്നു മുഖ്യന്‍ പരയണംയിരിന്നു. എന്തോ പറഞ്ഞില്ല. ഇതിന് മറ്റുള്ളവര്‍ എങ്ങിനെ പ്രതികരിക്കുമെന്ന് കാണാം.

ശശി തരൂര്‍ - ട്വിറ്റെര്‍ വിശേഷം

2009-09-23T21:49:00.000-07:00

ശശി തരൂര്‍ ട്വിട്ടെര്ല്‍ എഴുതുന്ന വിശേഷങ്ങള്‍ എല്ലാവരും കണ്ടു പ്രതികരിച്ചു നാശമാക്കി കൊണ്ടിരിക്കുന്നു. ശശി എന്തിനാ ഇങ്ങിനെയൊക്കെ എല്ലവ്രുംകന്കെ എഴുതാന്‍ പോകുന്നത് എന്ന് മനസ്സിലകുന്നില. പുറംനാട്ടില്‍ പോയി വരുമ്പോള്‍ ജോലി കൂടുതലാണ് എന്ന് പറഞ്ഞു എന്ന് പത്രത്തില്‍ വന്നാല്‍ അയാളുടെ സ്ഥാനം തെറിക്കുല്ലേ? ഈനട്ടില്‍ ജോലി ചെയ്യാന്‍ തയ്യാറുള്ളവര്‍ ധാരാളമുണ്ട്‌. ഓഫീസ് പണി അല്ലാണ്ട് വണ്ടി വലിക്കാന്‍ പോകണ്ടല്ലോ? ചുരുക്കത്തില്‍ അയാളുടെ ഭാവി കളയാന്‍ എല്ലാം നടക്കുന്നുണ്ട്.
കന്നുകാലി ക്ലാസ്സിനെ പറ്റി പറഞ്ഞു പ്രശ്നം ഒതുക്കി തീര്നട്ടെ ഉള്ളു. ദാ, പുതിയ പ്രശ്നം.
എന്താവുമോ നോക്കി കാണാം.

Today

2006-06-15T04:30:00.000-07:00

Our road is being laid new. They are mixing concrete and spreading it and so many masons are working on it. They have done the sewage canals last month and with this new work the lane would look nice and elegant.
Rains stopped suddenly. They say it may come within a week. Sultry weather is irritating. But the rain is a spoilsport. When it comes it comes in torrents that it spoils everything. You cannot go out without an umbrella.

chicken test

2006-03-28T21:15:00.000-08:00

A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and an
attractive young waitress comes for his order. He gives her
a smile and says, "I want a quickie."

She turns red in the face and ahems, "Sir, I don't know what
kind of restaurant you're used to eating in, but I can assure
you you're not going to get a quickie here!"

"How disappointing," the man replied. "Could you ask the chef
to make an exception?"

"He doesn't have anything to do with it!" says the waitress
indignantly.

"Hmmm," do you know anywhere around here where I could get
a quickie?"

"I'm SURE I don't know," answers the waitress loudly.

A patron from the next table leans over and taps the man on
the shoulder, "I think it's pronounced QUICHE."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see
the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm
for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter
of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the
letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found
the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for
our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very
satisfied."

_____________________________________________________________
Q: What is the definition of "Endless Love."

A: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

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HEALTHY

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive ... he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

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REMEMBER WHEN...

An APPLICATION was for employment. A PROGRAM was a tv show. A CURSOR used profanity. And A KEYBOARD was a piano..... MEMORY was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. COMPRESS was something that you did with the garbage. And if you UNZIPPED anything in public you would be in jail for a while..... LOG ON was adding wood to the fire. HARD DRIVE was a long trip on the road. A MOUSE PAD was where a mouse lived. And a BACKUP happened to your commode...... CUT you did with a pocket knife. PASTE you did with glue. A WEB was a spider's home. And a VIRUS was the flu...... A COMPUTER was something on tv from a science fiction show. A WINDOW was something you hated to clean ... And RAM was the cousin of a goat ... MEG was the name of my girlfriend. Now they all mean different things And that really MEGA BYTES.
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Wherever we take our twin daughters, strangers always come up to us and say, "Look, twins!" During a Las Vegas trip, though, we were wheeling them in their stroller through a hotel lobby when a woman came around a corner and exclaimed, "Look, a pair!"

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wait

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

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TRAP

A rat looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package. What food might it contain? He was aghast to discover that it was a rat trap. Retreating to the farmyard the rat proclaimed the warning; "There is a rat trap in the house, a rat trap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Excuse me, Mr. Rat, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The rat turned to the pig and told him, "There is a rat trap in the house, a rat trap in the house!" "I am so very sorry Mr. Rat," sympathized the pig, "but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured that you are in my prayers."

The rat turned to the cow. She said, "Like wow, Mr. Rat. A rat trap. I am in grave danger. Duh?"

So the rat returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's rat trap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a rat trap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital. She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well. She died, and so many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat.

So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when there is a rat trap in the house, the whole farmyard is at risk.
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Our armored car arrived earlier than usual, so my deposit
wasn't quite ready. As the young man waited patiently for
me to secure the bag, I said, "Sorry to hold you up."

"Delay, delay," he corrected me. "We don't use that other
phrase."

[Contributed to Reader's Digest.]

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

A British friend of mine once found himself at a dinner party
sitting next to an attractive American woman. The conversation
turned to cricket, and the woman asked my friend to explain
the game.

He agreed and embarked on a lengthy explanation of the
mysteries of "silly mid-on," "fine-leg," "googly," "chinaman"
and the like.

At the end he sat back, exhausted. The woman looked at him,
shaking her head in wonderment, "That really is remarkable.
And to think they do it all on horseback."

_____________________________________________________________
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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HUSBAND SHOPPING CENTER

Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Houston, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men.

It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place never to return.

A couple of friends go to the place to find men.

First floor, the door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and say, "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

Second floor says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

Wow! say the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they go.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please."

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VERY BAD BREATH

Two geeks are sitting on a beach on a warm summer day

watching a water skier when suddenly the skier falls and is under the water for quite some time.

"Hey we have to get that guy out before he drowns" one of them says. So the geeks both jump in the water and start frantically searching. Finally they find a limp body and swim it to shore.

"This guy has swallowed water. We have to give him CPR". So one of the geeks starts giving him CPR. After a couple of minutes he looks up to the second geek and says "wow, this guy has bad breath! I can't continue this."

So the other geek says "well get out of the way then. I can't let him die." So the second geek starts CPR. A couple of minutes later he also stops and says "you are right, he sure does have bad breath".

The first geek says "something is funny here. Wasn't the guy that we were watching water skiing"? "Yeah" responds the other geek, "so how come this guy is wearing ice skates?"
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I work at home, so my four-year-old twin daughters, Maggie and Katie, are used to seeing me operate a computer and fax machine. One afternoon I was watching them have fun on our indoor playset's small slide. Maggie proceeded to go down headfirst, giggling that she was "faxing" herself. Not to be outdone, Katie stood at the top of the slide and shouted, "Here comes page 2!"

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FASHION

The students in my third grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.

"Does the hole go all the way through?"

"Yes."

"Did it hurt?"

"Just a little."

"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"

"No, they used a special gun."

Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out,

"How far away did they stand?"

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RECOGNITION

Moses and his flock arrive at the sea, with the Egyptians in hot pursuit.

Moses calls a staff meeting.

Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.

The General of the Armies: Normally, I'd recommend that we build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there's not enough time - the Egyptians are too close.

The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I'd recommend that we build barges to carry us across. But time is too short.

Moses: Does anyone have a solution?

Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.

Moses: You! You have a solution?

The PR Man: No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the Old Testament.
------------------------------------------------------------------
* GOOD OMEN

An entire marriage party was arrested after a San Giorgio, northern Italy wedding, turned into a riot between the bride and bridegroom's Sicilian families.

* SPACEY MARRIAGE

An International Space Station cosmonaut is going forward with plans to get married while in orbit.

Yuri Malenchenko is ignoring officials' advice to wait until his return to Earth, and will be represented at the ceremony by a lawyer.

* SHOP AID

Shopaholics in Germany can receive professional help at the country's first clinic for spending addicts.

Sixty self-confessed shopping addicts are to take part in a pilot project at the University Hospital in Erlangen to find out whether therapy can act as a lasting cure to their "illness".

* SPIRITUAL SENTENCE

A judge in Santa Fe, New Mexico, is sending offenders to tai chi classes instead of jail.

Judge Frances Gallegos is putting offenders in the classes which come complete with a Japanese-style tea service and meditation aided by acupuncture.

* ROUNDABOUT RIDDLE

A Bristol, England, driver is so scared of a roundabout she refuses to tackle it.

Penny Maunder parks her car just before the complex Abbey Wood junction and takes the bus the rest of the way to work.

* FUNERAL COMPANY RAPPED FOR ADS A funeral company has caused controversy in Brazil after releasing TV adverts that say: "Our clients have never come back to complain."

* COP'S MUM A ROBBER

The mother of a Michigan, America, policeman has been accused of robbing two banks.

Margaret Ann Thomas-Irving, 57, demanded money from staff at the banks in Lansing a week ago, prosecutors claim.

* BUNGLED SMUGGLE

An alleged smuggler has been caught after trying to transfer over 200 litres of alcohol via a one-kilometre-long underground pipeline from Russia to neighbouring Latvia.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chicken Test

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique
device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The
device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's
windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the
carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during
flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and
wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive
they were developing.

They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and
fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went
through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and
embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British
were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if
everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation:
"Use a thawed chicken."

----------------------------------------------------------------------
It seems like every time our piano tuner John comes to our
house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings.
I agree with him that it should be done every six months,
but I don't really think about it until the the piano sounds
off-key.

The last time he came over I was on the defensive. "If you
sent out a postcard reminder like the dentist," I declared,
"I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely
fashion."

He looked at me and said, "From now on, when the dentist sends
you a postcard, call me."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and
yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"

Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied, "One."

__________________________________________________________

Jokes

2006-03-28T21:13:00.000-08:00

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one
of the three most stressful situations in an on-going
relationship? (The other two danger zones are teaching
your mate to drive and wallpapering. Don't EVEN think of
going there!) So I now present for you....

*Things NOT To Say When Hanging The Christmas Lights*

--"You've got two red lights right next to each other.
You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow,
red, red, green, blue..."

--"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."

--"What on earth do you do to these lights when you put
them away every year? Tie them in knots?"

--"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going
to fry that sucker."

--"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all.
Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're
worse than your father."

--"Give me that!!"

--"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The
electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom,
not up at the top."

--"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm
done!"

--"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we
agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"

--"Have you been drinking?!!?"

--"Okaaay! Looks like we're *finally* done here now. Not
too shabby huh? Hey....wait a minute, where's the cat?"

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

A guy shows up late for work his first day. The boss yells,
"You should have been here at 8:30!"

He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

_____________________________________________________________
Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CLUELESS

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U- turn and drove up to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A dog followed his master to school. His owner was a fourth
grader at a public elementary school. However, when the bell
rang, the dog sidled inside the building and made it all the
way to the child's classroom before a teacher noticed and
shoo'ed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog
sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors.

Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said,
"Don't feel bad fella'...they won't let ME in either."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

The day I started my construction job, I was in the office
filling out an employee form when I came to the section that
asked: Single____, Married____, Divorced____.

I marked single. Glancing at the man next to me, who was
also filling out his form, I noticed he hadn't marked any
of the blanks. Instead he had written, 'Yes, in that order.'

_____________________________________________________________
I had just moved to an address between Sunrise Avenue and
Sunset Blvd., one of Sacramento's major streets, and was
explaining to a clerk where my home was located for billing
purposes. "I live between Sunrise and Sunset," I told her.

"Oh, honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do."

***

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing
"wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may
be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney
present. You may kiss the bride."

***

During their ten year anniversary, a wife reminded her
husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so
overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"

The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour
of my life."

------------------------------------------------------------
The operators of a rope tow in a popular ski area were
having trouble with non-ticket purchasers sneaking onto
the ski lift. Finally, one of the operators stayed at
his post operating the tow, while the other, wearing a
discarded pair of skis, elbowed his way to the head of
the line. The tow operator promptly called him back,
"Hey, where's your lift ticket?"

"I don't need a ticket to ride this tow." At this, the
tow operator produced an ax and, with two blows, deftly
chopped off the fronts of his partner's skis, just ahead
of his toes. With the crowd of skiers staring in amazement,
the operator lowered his ax and turned to the crowd,
"Anyone else out there who doesn't have a lift ticket?"

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

There's a scuba diving geologist who has made it his business
to measure the relative sizes of the rises, drops, cavities
and undulations of coral formations. Of course this can only
be done in the summer months so he takes the winters off to
avoid the frigid air.

You may tag him as a frost-free reef ridge rater.

___________________________________________________

Chili Tester

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding
Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili
cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the
original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one
of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer
and therefore know and adored by all."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE:
A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO:
Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

CAMERON:
Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These
people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE:
Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO:
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

CAMERON
Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way
to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a
professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated
over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye
started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like
Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE:
Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO:
A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

CAMERON:
This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my
way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably
behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE:
Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO:
Hint of lime in the black beans Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

CAMERON:
I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to
taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so
I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at
me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled... it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE:
Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO:
Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

CAMERON:
My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me
that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE:
Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO:
The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

CAMERON:
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE;
A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO:
Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned peppers at the
last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

CAMERON:
You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin
and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of
my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what
killed me.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE:
This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number
3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO:
A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

CAMERON:
Momma...

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest
celebrating and drinking. Friar Tuck started to sing louder
and louder with each drink. Robin, fearing that the
Sheriff's men might hear the band celebrate, dragged the
friar into the woods and threw him in the river...but Tuck
climbed out without missing a note.

The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to water, but
you cannot make him hoarse.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MLM FAQ

The Total Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!

Let's begin:

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?

A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?

A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?

A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?

A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?

A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?

A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?

A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.

A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?

A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.

A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?

A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.

A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?

A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?

A: Here's a list of suggestions:

--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners. --Join every free banner exchange. --Get your own free-for-all links page. --Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title. --Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites. --Hire a bulk emailer. --Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?

A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?

A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?

A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station
mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When
I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew
was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.

"How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who
was standing behind the store counter.

She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two
weeks."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

Every year on their wedding anniversary my boss, Woody, and
his wife celebrated by staying at the same resort hotel. On
their 25th anniversary they booked their usual room. But
when the hotel's bell captain escorted them upstairs, they
were in for a big surprise. "There must be some mistake,"
Woody said. "This looks like the bridal suite."

"It's okay," the bell captain reassured him. "If I put you
in the ballroom, that doesn't mean you have to dance."

_____________________________________________________________
"Most people hate the taste of beer to begin with. It is,
however, a prejudice that many people have been able to
overcome." --Winston Churchill

***

Do Re Mi Beer - by Homer J. Simpson

DOUGH... The stuff that buys me beer.
RAY... The guy that sells me beer.
ME... The guy who drinks the beer
FAR... The distance to my beer.
SO... I think I'll have a beer.
LA... La la la la la la beer.
TEA... No thanks, I'm drinking beer.

That will bring us back to...

(Looks into an empty glass) DOH!

--------------------------------------------------
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City
and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him
immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer
here, gerry! Where do you think you are?"

The German fellow felt embarrassed for a moment, however
he turned to the New Yorker and begins to chuckle.

"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.

"Oh, nothing really," he said with a heavy accent, "I just
realized you actually came here for the food!"

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

"Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 10-year old
son.

"Bob," he said.

"And what's your cat's name?"

"Bob."

"Well, how do you keep them straight?" I asked.

"Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy
answered.

"Go ahead and tell him your rabbit's name," his father
suggested.

The kid smiled and said... "Dennis Hopper."

_____________________________________________________________
As a secret shopper for a large department store, my sister
made purchases at various chains and then reported back to
supervisors on the clerks' performances. After a few weeks,
I asked her if she was enjoying her new job.

"I love it!" she replied. "I'm getting paid for doing two
of my favorite things in life--shopping and criticizing
people."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

I made myself a snowball, as perfect as could be,
I thought I'd keep it as a pet, and let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas, and a pillow for its head,
Then last night it ran away, but first it wet the bed.

_____________________________________________________________
"I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me, "What do you
do at a red light?"

I said, "I don't know, look around, listen to the radio"
--Bill Braudis

***

"I filled out a rental application that asked, 'Do you own
any liquid-filled furniture?' Couldn't they just have said
'waterbed'? How many other forms of liquid-filled furniture
are there? 'Yeah, I have a beer couch, will that be a
problem?'" --Lisa Goich

***

"I've been studying up on some of my Las Vegas facts - did
you know, on the average, 151 people get married every day
in Las Vegas. One hundred and fifty-one. You know, shouldn't
that be an even number? Maybe I'm wrong." --Jay Leno

------------------------------------------------------------
Our 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a report
for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and the
invasion of Normandy.

"Isn't there a movie about that?" she asked.

I told her there was, but I couldn't think of the name.

Then it came to her, "I remember! Isn't it something like
'Finding Private Nemo'?"

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C.
The guide pointed out the place where George Washington
supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. "That's
impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin
that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide, "a dollar went
a lot farther in those days."

_____________________________________________________________

cars and computers

2006-03-21T16:34:00.000-08:00

Writing With Emotional Appeal

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his
desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he
said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read,
stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff
that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake's
edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in,
please. Your time is up." Several minutes passed, but the
boat didn't return. "Boat number 99," he again hollered,
"return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you
overtime."

"Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only
have 75 boats. There is no number 99."

The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega-
phone: "Boat number 66," he yelled. "Are you having trouble
out there?"

------------------------------------------------------------
During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound
sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair,
I showed up with an equally unpresentable medical student.
In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and
his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats.

The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the
surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance."

Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the
ER for yet another emergency.

I was stitching away - wearing a tuxedo - when I encountered
that same medical resident. He looked at me, then said to
his student, "Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"

*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing
all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before
you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a
house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed
women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is
so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I pass first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

____________________________________________________________

Dear John, Reversed

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband.

"But why did you stab him over a hundred times?" asked the judge.

"Oh, your Honor," replied the defendant, "I didn't know how to switch off the electric carving knife."

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

WHAT A WORD

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello, How are you ! We've been waiting for you ! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place ! How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in ?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word ?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia." Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry ... there'll be Hell to pay later.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

CARS AND COMPUTERS

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did ...

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"

HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

Customer: "What's an ignition?"

HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?" ...

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"

HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"

Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"

HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."

Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" ...

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Your cars suck!"

HelpLine: "What's wrong?"

Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"

HelpLine: "What were you doing?"

Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!

HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"

Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!" ...

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

Customer: "How do I work it?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "Do I know how to what?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late?" complained an irate passenger to the railroad engineer.

"How would we know the trains were late, if we didn't have a schedule?" replied the engineer.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

WHAT TIME IS IT?

On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day, on just such a field, the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If you are an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If you are an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon. If you are in the National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."

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ANYTHING BROKEN?

John was tasked with taking the Christmas decorations up to the attic for another year's storage. During one trek up the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, he slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on his behind.

His wife heard the noise and yelled, "What was that thump?"

"I just fell down the stairs," he explained.

She rushed into the room, "Anything broken?!"

"No, no, I'm fine."

There was just a slight pause before his loving wife said, "No, I meant my decorations? Are any of them broken?"
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Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National
Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious
courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977)
and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago.

Following are some favorite transcripts, all recorded by
America's keepers of the word:

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness
chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake,
tell them your first name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.

Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And were you present when the picture was taken?

------------------------------------------------------------
I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper.

I read one this morning. It said, "What's the worst thing
a wife can get on her twenty-fifth wedding anniversary?"

And you know what the answer was? "Morning Sickness."

*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter
plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I
was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very
full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How
much do you weigh, sir?"

Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

____________________________________________________________

Call center enquiries

2006-03-21T16:32:00.000-08:00

CALL CENTRE ENQUIRIES

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are
talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly
states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC
wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you
give me the number for Jack?".

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when
I am travelling in Australia?.

Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
Cardiff, please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling
orrect?".

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar
but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company
in Woven.

Operator: Woven?. Are you sure?.

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in
Scotland".

Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please".

Operator: "Where are you calling from?".

Caller: "The living room".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from
a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so
I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up
menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done
up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the
screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?".

Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?".

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have
just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock
back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

British Rail

Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?".

Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's
free".

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and
can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-
QUICK JOKE

A guy about 35 years old was getting married for the third
time.

His prospective bride learned that it was to be his third
such trip, and naturally asked him what happened to his
first two wives.

He told her that his first wife died of mushroom poisoning.

She agreed that was rather tragic, but what did his second
wife die of?

"Well, she died of a fractured skull."

"Oh, how terrible," says she, "how come she died of a
fractured skull?"

"Because she wouldnt eat the mushrooms," he answered.

^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-^-.,.-
During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”
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Genre: Airplane Jokes

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
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Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it” The guy with the car door says, "yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"
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2006-03-21T16:30:00.000-08:00

No-So-Dumb Blonde

One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway. He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."

She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.

The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"

At that number, the blonde agrees.

The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.

"Got it," she replies.

He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.

Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"

The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00.

Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"

She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
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A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.
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Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer,
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Genre: Miscellaneous Jokes

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."
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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."
-------------------------------------------------------------
For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another
wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
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A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
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A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."
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A 17 year-old Antartican boy was hired to paint a white line down the middle of the highway. On the first day, he got off to a good start and he painted a white line 7 miles long. The next day, however, he painted a line only 4 miles long. On the third day, he was down to less than a mile. Finally, his friend Max asked him why he was doing less each day. The boy replied, "I guess it takes me longer and longer to get back to the bucket each day."
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Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
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"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
---------------------------------------------------------------
An employee comes into her manager’s office to take a day off from work. The manager replies, So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a man found an odd-looking lamp and rubbed it. From inside came a genie that told him he would get three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
"What would you like for your first wish?" asked the genie.
"I want one billion dollars," replies the man.
"Remember," says the genie, "your mother-in-law gets double of what you get."
"I know," replied the man.
The man then chooses his second wish, "I wish I had a brand new sports car." So he gets his second wish and he's very content.
"Your mother-in-law gets double what you get, now what would you like for your third wish?" asks the genie.
The man ponders for a moment, then answers, "I wish to be beaten half to death."
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Little Girl And Her Twinkie

A twelve year old girl was taken to the barber shop for a haircut
with her grandfather. As her grandfather was getting a haircut
she was standing next to the barber's chair eating a Twinkie.

The barber said, "Say there lass, you are getting hair on your
Twinkie."

The young girl looked up at the barber and said, "Yes, and I'm
getting boobs too!"

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A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
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"I'm so worried," the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. "Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble, and he died of malaria."

"Relax," the nurse said smiling. "This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble."
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Watch Out For That Tree

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and
approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason
that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I
almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right
in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree
in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another
tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the
officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The
following morning you can create the effects of hangover by
drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging
your head repeatedly on the wall.

***

"My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should
have taken a second look." -from CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS

***

Right outside her front door, my mother-in-law had a ther-
mometer that never seemed to tell the correct temperature.
One chilly day, we all noticed that the thermometer, which
was in direct sunlight, read a balmy 72 degrees.

"Mom," my wife suggested without thinking, "you should stick
that thing where the sun doesn't shine."

------------------------------------------------------------
Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy,
one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle
on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of
the gift in the church paper.

"Gladly," responded the good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder
turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read:
"The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift
of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."

------------------------------------------------------------
Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica.
"Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your
grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

"What happened?" "Well, it was during the famous Johnstown
flood. The dam broke and when the water hit out house it
knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the
dining room table and floated out safely."

"How about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

*------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" in Texas. The cowboy
preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or
English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The
one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into
too much traffic."

____________________________________________________________
Technical Support Recipe: Butter Your Disk Drive

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install
disk, and now my A drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got
stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error
messages did you get?"

Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck
in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and
tried to get it out and that didn't work either."

Tech Support: "You did what sir?"

Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out,
but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic
stuff a bit."

Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject
button?"

Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and
used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the
disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came
out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was
broke and defective."

Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in
your A drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"

( At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned
at the other techs to listen in.)

Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you
repeat what you just said?"

Customer: "I said I put butter in my A drive to get your crappy
disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."

Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking
out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called
the disk eject button?"

( Silence. )

Tech Support: "Sir?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I
am going to sue you for breaking my computer!"

Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue
our company because you put the disk in the A drive, didn't
follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek
professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to
use your computer properly, but instead proceeded to pour butter
into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"

Customer: "Ummmm."

Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we
do record every call and have it on tape?"

Customer: ( now rather humbled ) "But you're supposed to help!"

Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do
for you. Have a nice day!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old farmer was on his way for a night out on the town. He loaded his old hound dog into the buggy, had his favourite horse pulling the buggy, and was on his way. He had just rounded a curve when a speeding Mercedes ran into the back of his rig, wiping him out.

After months recovering he finally had his day in court. The defence called the local sheriff as a witness.

The defence lawyer asked, "Did the plaintiff have anything to say when you approached him at the scene of the accident?"

The sheriff replied, "Yes sir. The plaintiff said, 'I never felt better.'"

The plaintiff's lawyer was very upset at this, and whispered to the farmer, "Did you really say that?"

"I sure did, but don't worry, just put me on the stand," he replied.

So, the plaintiff's lawyer called the farmer and asked, "Did you really say, you 'never felt better?'"

The farmer replied, "I sure did. But you gotta understand. When the sheriff came in on the scene, he went over to my dog who was badly injured, bleeding and looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the dog.

Then he walked over to my horse who had three broken legs, really hurt bad, looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the horse.

Then the sheriff came over to me, looked down at me and asked how I felt. So of course, I replied, "I never felt better!"

Body Chemistry

2006-03-21T16:25:00.000-08:00

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

BODY CHEMISTRY

Element : Woman

Symbol : WO

Discoverer : Adam

Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified

Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas

Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted by coins & sports cars. In its natural shape the specimen varys considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye.

Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG,

& C, especially in the cystalline form. May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH & sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst is often required (must say that you love her at least 5 times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in dark & all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.

Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 & 25 years.

Uses: Highly ornamental. Uses as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).

Tests: Pure specimens turn rosey tint if discovered in raw, natural state. Turns green if placed beside a

better specimen.

Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income & ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Linda: Whats that you're reading?

Jill: A diary.

Linda: Whats in it?

Jill: I cant tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and confidential affair, It has important secret dreams and secret yearnings. It's private. Its not meant to be shared lightly with other people. And besides, this diary belongs to Mary.

CHEAP RIDE

I owned a taxi service with my husband William. While sitting in his cab waiting for a fare, William saw that a downpour had left puddles stretching to the curb.

Then he heard someone open the back door and get in. When he turned around to ask the destination, William saw the would-be passenger exiting the other door.

"Thanks," said the 'passenger,' "I just wanted to get over the water."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After his usual, lengthy sermon, the minister announced that
he wished to meet with the church board following the close
of the service.

The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total
stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a
meeting of the board members," explained the minister.

"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more
bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

A engaged Japanese woman wanted a traditional wedding but
was so taken with American culture that she insisted on
incorporating a long train into her wedding gown. Thus when
she walked down the aisle, the sight made some wedding guests
think of a strange and dangerous reptile. What did they see?

A Kimono Draggin'

_____________________________________________________________
STARS IN THEIR EYES

A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage of "Stars in their Eyes", and Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.

MK: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair, can you tell the audience what happened?"

Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."

MK: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?"

Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."

Much applause.

MK: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be?"

Simon: "Tonight Matthew,... I'm going to be.... Simon and half-uncle."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
IN THE NEWS

The Star (Johannesburg):

"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane.

"Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all." Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar: "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The "Not So Great Books" literary series:

HOW TO WRITE BIG BOOKS, by Warren Peace

I LOST MY BALANCE, by Eileen Dover and Phil Down

THE GREAT GERMAN BANK ROBBERY, by Hans Zupp

I HATE THE SUN, by Gladys Knight

PRISON SECURITY, by Barb Dwyer

HOW I WON THE MARATHON, by Randy Holeway

WHEN THE LION ATTACKED, by Claude Yarmoff

TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT, by Ike Witt

-------------------------------------------------------------
At a boat-rental concession, the manager went to the lake's
edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in,
please. Your time is up." Several minutes passed, but the
boat didn't return. "Boat number 99," he again hollered,
"return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you
overtime."

"Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only
have 75 boats. There is no number 99."

The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega-
phone: "Boat number 66," he yelled. "Are you having trouble
out there?"

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

Driving along the freeway in Southern CA, I spied two land-
scaping trucks loaded with sod and bearing these slogans:
"Instant Grassification" and "Sodisfaction Guaranteed."

_____________________________________________________________
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long awaited death.

"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

RESUME

OBJECTIVE:

To sit in a cubicle and stare at a monitor for eight hours, occasionally looking attentive when approached by a superior.

EDUCATION:

School: Very Expensive Major: Not Important GPA: Don't Ask, Don't Tell

EMPLOYMENT:

NETWORK MANAGEMENT (9/97-Present)

Produced daily itinerary of television programs to watch. Duties included changing channels, avoiding infomercials, and staying tuned after those "important" messages.

DEBT CONSOLIDATION (4/99-12/03)

Using various tools such as credit cards and borrowed cash, I managed to combine groups of unpaid bills into one monthly bill that goes straight to my father.

COMPUTER SKILLS:

*Solitaire

*Minesweeper

*On/Off Repair Method

HONOURS AND AWARDS:

*First Place in Miller Lite Funnel Tournament

*Said Toast at brother's wedding

*High Score on Theta Chi's Pin Ball Machine

For further references, contact my mother. For positive responses, please pose all questions as though you're considering me as a law school applicant.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TALKING DOG

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: TALKING DOG FOR SALE.

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
* DRUNK MOWER

A German man has lost his driver's licence after he was caught drink-driving on a lawnmower.

* FART TAX

New Zealand has abandoned plans for a flatulence tax on animals in the face of fierce opposition from farmers. The"flatulence levy was proposed to fund research into livestock emissions which are blamed as a cause of global warming.

* BURGERS FOR WEAPONS

A German town is planning to give pupils burgers in exchange for their weapons. Streetworkers in Dietzenbach say they will give Burger King vouchers to youths who hand in weapons such as flick-knifes, knuckle-dusters and kung fu stars.

* STUPID VANDALS

Vandals took photographs of themselves smashing up a Hampshire, England, school and then left the camera at the scene. The photographs show the face of at least one suspect while another is seen drawing graffiti on the wall of a classroom.

Police believe the vandals intended to steal the camera which they used to take pictures of themselves, but accidentally left it behind.

* RETAILER OFFERS FREE CLOTHES TO NAKED SHOPPERS

Dozens of young Portuguese have stripped after a clothes store offered free designer wear for anyone shopping naked.

Shoppers who decided to take part in the scheduled publicity stunt at a shop in Lisbon's downtown were allowed to undress in privacy inside the store.

* NEW CAR'S NAME CAUSES BLUSHES IN CANADA

A new car is having to be renamed for the Canadian market after the manufacturers were informed of an unfortunate double meaning.

General Motors are still working on the new name for the LaCrosse after learning the word is slang for masturbation in French-speaking Quebec.

* REPAIRED SPECTACLES TURN UP 12 YEARS LATER

A pair of safety glasses sent off for repair have been returned 12 years later.

In 1991 research chemist Alan Fosker took the spectacles to a local opticians, who sent them away. Now they have arrived back but are no longer any good to the 63-year-old.

* 30-STONE MAN FELL THROUGH FLOOR

A 30-stone Florida man had to be rescued after falling through the floor of his mobile home.

A neighbour spotted George Daniels, 61, stuck in a hole and alerted site manager Gene Morton. Mr Morton found Daniels conscious but disoriented, sitting with his head bowed.

It is not clear how long he had been trapped, as he told different people varying lengths of time, ranging from one hour to two days.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady was browsing through everything at a yard sale and
said to the hostess, "My husband is going to be so upset
when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."

"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the
bargains you found," the hostess replied.

"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg,
and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have
it set."

*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---------------*

I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a
contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day.
Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered,
but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container
that will fit in a pickup truck's bed. They'll pay in food,
which is exactly what the cat likes best! For each load deli-
vered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked cas-
serole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddle peepers.

___________________________________________________________

Blondes

2006-03-21T16:23:00.000-08:00

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."
When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch. So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the town.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
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A Blonde sitting on first class. The flight attendant takes her ticket and says,” This is a ticket for coach, not for first class." The Blonde replied,” I’m Blonde, I’m Beautiful and I'm going to Chicago." Then the pilot came out and asked what was going on here and the flight attendant told the pilot the situation. So the pilot went over and whispered something in the Blonde's ear and she hurried back to coach. The flight attendant then asked,” What did you tell her?” The pilot replied,” I just told her that first class wasn't going to Chicago
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule
stumbled.
"My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him.
I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
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There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."
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Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”
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A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door.
The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10."
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
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Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
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A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."
The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.
The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
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Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand
dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice
and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up
and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up
all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared
at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb.
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adult jokes

2006-03-20T04:16:00.000-08:00

A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while
undoing a woman's bra. That's correct. While unfastening a
woman's stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons,
scratches, and other similar injuries. Actually, I can vouch
for that. I got injured today while trying to undo a woman's
bra. When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line,
she turned and hit me with a can of peas.
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SOCIAL SECURITY

A retired gentleman went into the social security
office to apply for Social Security. After waiting
in line for a long time he got to the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his
driver`s license to verify his age. He looked in
his pockets and realized he had left his wallet
at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he
seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"Will I have to go home and come back now?"
he asked. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opened his shirt, revealing lots of curly,
silver hair. She said, "That silver hair is proof
enough for me," and processed his Social Security
application. When he got home, the man excitedly
told his wife about his experience at the Social
Security office. She said, "You should have dropped
your pants, you might have qualified for disability,
too."
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GRAVY LADLE

A young man called Colin invited his mother over for dinner.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but
notice how handsome Colin's flatmate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only
made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between
Colin and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his Mum's thoughts, Colin volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you, Gary and I are just
flatmates." About a week later, Gary came to Colin saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner I've been unable to
find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose
she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her
just to be sure." said Colin.

So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that
you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying
that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle, but the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here
for dinner. Love, Colin

Several days later Colin received an email from his Mother
which read:

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Gary, and
I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Gary, but the
fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed he would
have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum
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QUICK JOKE

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his
neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked
worried and asked him if anything was wrong.

"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband
wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his wife."

"So stop," the barkeep said.

"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't
sign his name!"
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BREEDING TRICK

A farmer was having trouble getting his
horses to breed. He had tried everything
and was at his wits end. Finally one day
he called the local Vet. The Vet told him
to rub the male nose into the female
horse...He would get the scent of her and
breed.

Sure enough the farmer rubbed the
male horses nose into the female and he
hopped right on.

That evening the farmer was thinking about his own
trouble in the sex department. So that night after
him and his wife were laying in bed, he reached down
underneath the covers and rubbed on his wife and then
rubbed his nose. To his amazement he got his first
hard-on in years. He yelled out to his wife...
"honey look!!! look!!!"

His wife turned on the light disgusted and said
"You woke me up to tell me you had a bloody nose?"
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GETTING OLDER

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the
other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild
nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up
and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you
now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw
me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with
a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased
me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up.
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QUICK JOKE

Michael Jackson was on a ship with 100 boy scouts and 100
girl guideswhen it hit an iceberg and started to sink. The
captain announced "We're sinking! Everyone abandon ship!"

Michael Jackson asked, "What about the children?"

The captain replied, "f**k the children!"

Jacko looked around eagerly and said "Do we have time?"

lol

Apparently Jacko thought Boyz II Men was a delivery service.
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KICKING

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live
on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet." said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast
until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the
chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the
cows and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and
he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives
him a bowl of dry cereal. No milk or nothing!

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I
have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken,
so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick
the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week
either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week
you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and
kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile
and says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"
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CONFESSION

Melvin comes to confession. "Father," he said, forgive me
for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," Melvin replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

Melvin then related his story. "Father, I'm a deliveryman
for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent
section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened
and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was
dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect
figure. And, she asked seductively if I would like to come
in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I
lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You
will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?"
Melvin asked.

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be
appropriate,... you dumb ass."
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QUICK JOKE

A married couple is sitting in the office of a
marriage counselor. Neither has said a word since
they entered his office. The counselor, wanting to
start the session, says, "Tell me something
that both of you have in common."

There is silence for a few uncomfortable seconds
until the husband finally says, "Well, neither of us
suck dick."
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MATHS AND SEX

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It
read: Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54
years old and I have certain needs which you are no
longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you
as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt
or offended to learn that by the time you receive this
letter, I will be having a great time at the Grand
Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be
home before midnight.

Sincerely, your Husband.

The wife responded:

Dear Husband, Your letter made me realize that you too
are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I
will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old
pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you
are, you can easily appreciate the fact that I am
going to be having a far better time than you are
because: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes
into 18. Don't wait up
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DANG STUPID WIMIN

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch talkin'.
1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought
an air conditioner."

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid,
she bought one of them new fangled warshin'
machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly : "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is
dumber than both yer wifes put together!... I was
going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about
that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!"
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QUICK JOKE

What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
An infected pussy on your organ.
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WILL POWER

Morty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets
foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him
that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking.

"Imagine that, Morty," she says, "someone who smoked 3
packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a
sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something
that you definitely don't have."

But Sadie hadn't finished.

"And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken
friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking -
another example of the kind of will power that you
don't have."

"OK, Sadie," said Morty, "you want to see will power,
do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in
the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you
that I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a
woman."

Morty keeps to his word.

One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week,
there is a knock on his bedroom door.

Morty shouts out, "What do you want?"

Sadie replies, "Marvin has started smoking again."
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A CATS TAIL

I was driving my car down a side street the other day when
all of a sudden this cat jumped out in front of me. I hit
the brakes, but I heard a thump, so I stopped. There was the
cat lying right in the road. It was still alive, but I
apparently had run over its tail and the force of the tire
had cut it off.

A lady came running out of a house screaming, "You killed my
cat!!"

I told her, "No, he's O. K., except for the tail, and I'll
fix that."

I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct
tape and taped the cat's tail back on.

The lady immediately blushed and called the cops. A cop
showed up and immediately gave me a ticket.

Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was
convicted.

What a bummer. All for retailing pussy in a residential area.
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